You are not the perfect mother for your kids

I am about to make a lot of people mad.

I can't stand the "God made you the perfect Mommy for your kids, so stop guilting yourself" mentality.

Let me start off saying that I get this is a reaction to the world of MOMMY GUILT (which I also hate). If you are drowning in Mommy guilt, please don't let that paralyze you, but there is a difference between condemnation and conviction.

Condemnation is shame and should be rejected. Condemnation is "mommy wars" of who is better at breast feeding, or how to sleep train. It leads to paralyzing shame and unnecessary hurt. Condemnation is the voice of the world saying you are NEVER going to be good enough. Condemnation is comparison that drains your soul. It is nit-picky and seeks to make you feel wrong; your clothes are not right, your kids are too loud/too quiet, your school choice is wrong.

Conviction on the other hand is a gift, inviting you to do better. Conviction isn't necessarily pleasant, yet somehow fills and feeds your soul. What a beauty to be given the opportunity to repent and do better for your kids. Conviction is inspiring.

Conviction needs to be embraced, not thrown out with shame of condemnation.
Do you feel convicted about your yelling, or your day drinking? Do you feel convicted about your language around your children. Do you need to seek counseling for mental health that is hindering your parenting? Do you feel convicted about your attitude with the father of your children? Embrace it! Do better for your kids. There is help! 

I was raised by a mother with a personality disorder (BPD). She did not embrace conviction.

When a child of an abusive mother hears, "God gives every child the perfect mommy for their needs", it hurts. We ask ourselves, does that mean I deserved what I got in my mom? Did I need the screaming and belittling? Did I need the unpredictable rage alternating with manic moods that could be fun & productive or very scary, depending on the day. Did I need to be in an environment of trying to always be the good girl so that I could make her feel loved? Did I need to never get unconditional love from the person designed to give it to me?

She felt conviction, I assure you, but pushed it away as "people judging her". She would project the conviction onto me, saying I never loved her enough as a mother, meaning she expected unconditional acceptance just because she was my mother.

If you want to get into the theology of it, I do believe that God worked it all for His Glory to become the woman I am today. I was in a house that would make me have to FIGHT for healing. I was given the opportunity to see a marriage of constant strife so that I could deeply appreciate, to my bones, the servant leadership of a GOOD AND GODLY husband.

BUT that doesn't mean she was the "perfect mother for me" and didn't need to grow. Who knows what would have happened if she had embraced conviction, and tried to change. What glory that would have brought to God, and healing in my heart if she has tried to discern condemnation from conviction. Maybe I wouldn't have been almost 30, with two kids, before I truly TRUSTED unconditional love (my poor husband had a lot of years with a deeply insecure woman). Some of the scars she inflicted on my heart may be there until I go home to Heaven. I fight every day to be the mother I want to be.

The next time you see "stop feeling guilty because God made you the perfect mom for your kids", stop and think, is the guilt condemnation or conviction?

You have the POTENTIAL to be exactly who your kids need to be, but no one has arrived.

Are you drowning condemnation of mommy guilt world? REJECT IT.

Is it the conviction that leads to a new and better life? EMBRACE IT. Seek healing, seek a counselor, seek repentance.

You are not the perfect mom for your kid, but you do have the perfect God.

Knowing Your Limits and Avoiding Burn Out as a Mom

When my twins were toddlers, I found some other Mom friends who gave me the best gift anyone can give a struggling new mother, HONESTY.  They took off their Super Mom capes, and showed me what real motherhood looked like in their lives.

These brave women were not filled with sense of joy from "being needed” when their child cried for them in the middle of the night.  They didn't rejoice in the growth spurt happening during “cluster feeding”. Some of them even admitted how they would also rather have some alone time on Mother's Day than spending the entire day with their kids (GASP!).

And as my twins got bigger, the my 'mommy guilt' seemed to grow accordingly. The whole parenting thing was a shock to my system.  It didn't feel like what I thought it would feel. 

 It didn't help I went into parenting with an extremely large chip on my shoulder (an extra large cape if you will) of  having an Early Childhood Education degree, and having been a successful teacher at a prestigious college preschool.   I was an amazing parent before I had kids.

I had also grown up in a yelling household, and had sworn I would never be the 'yelling mom'. I found that when I was completely spent and had not more resources to give to my kids, I unfortunately reverted back to my family of origin of dealing with frustration....I became a yelling mom. The guilt was again exacerbated as I knew what being yelled at felt like as a child.  In one of those moments of extreme shame after having lost my temper yet again, I knew I had to be more proactive to prevent these moments of loss of self control.  I found I was able to be proactive by discerning when I was close to reaching my limits.

If you are feeling "crowded", know your limits. In Mark's gospel, we learn Jesus asked the disciples to ready a boat because the crowds were pushing to get to him, sound familiar at all? Please say that isn't just my house that my kids push each other to be the first at just about everything, even hugging me. 

Because of the crowd he[Jesus] told his disciples to have a small boat ready for him, 

to keep the people from crowding him.  Mark 3:9

Jesus wasn't 'crowded’ like you feel in the lines at Disney World; he was surrounded by people who genuinely needed him. They needed him so much, they did not realize they were physically crushing him.

We all have people in our life who genuinely need us, and sometimes they are oblivious they are crushing us. But I have had to learn that their genuine need does not negate my need for solitude with God. 

 Instead of shaming myself for the fact they I can be 'a yelling mom', I have had to learn to be proactive, recognizing when I am reaching my limits, to stop the yelling before it begins. There are times when I feel “crowded" and need to take a "mommy time-out". It may not rational, it may even be hormonal sometimes, but laying down the pride to admit I just can not do this on my own is what is best for my family.

Get your 'boat' ready for a break.  As more people needed Jesus, he actually sought more , not less, time away with God, to pray.

"But now even more the report about him went abroad, and great crowds gathered to hear him and to be healed of their infirmities. But he would withdraw to desolate places and pray." Luke 5:15-16

I think many work within the assumption that the act of meeting  the needs of other will fill us up all by itself.  And yes, being an extrovert, I definitely receive some energy from serving and being with others.  But not matter how extroverted you are, when you are pouring into the lives of others, you will eventually just plain run out of anything to give. 

Jesus sought refreshment and stillness from the only one who could TRULY refill Him, His Heavenly Father.

Pray and respectfully be honest with your spouse.  Let him know when you feel like you may be reaching your limit (usually BEFORE you reach the limit is best).  Be aware of signs that you are wearing thin, and ask him for a break.  It helps if I tell my husband, "To be the best mom and wife I can be, sometimes this week I know I am going to need a night off to myself. What night works best for you?" When the twins were toddlers, I needed a monthly break.  Now it is has become maybe once every 3 or 4 months.

 Taking a break has taken many different forms in my life. Sometimes I need an hour break to take a quiet bath after dinner when my husband gets home.  Sometimes I need a whole Saturday afternoon at the movies, where I can buy popcorn and put as much butter and salt on it as I want! Maybe you need a date night with your husband, or girl’s night out with friends.  Or better yet, time at a restaurant to do my bible study without six interruptions of my kids bickering.

 If you are a single parent, find a worthwhile activity for your kids that enable you to take a break.  When the boys were younger, MOPS was a my break.  Now I have a built in night off when they attend AWANA each week. 

We Ex-Super Moms give you permission to take off your cape, take a night off to take yourself on a date, just you.  No judgment.   You will come back to your house having had time to miss your kids. And if you go to the movies, don't forget to eat some popcorn for me. 

 Sometimes 'the crowd' may not  be your kids.

Knowing my limits has  meant recognizing that sometimes I need to take a break from the other ‘needy crowds’ in my life; dropping ‘good’ activities that were draining me of the resources I needed to a wife and mother. 

In the end, knowing my limits has meant that I stopping trying to save my loved ones with my own power, and point them to the only True God who can save them.

Dear Super Mom, take off your cape.

 No matter hard I have tried to keep that stupid Super Mom cape on, it keeps getting ripped off, or torn, or lost in a mountain of laundry. You'd think the movie The Incredibles would have taught me how impractical capes are, but oh well.  

It is time to take the cape off, I will never be super mom.   And THAT IS OK.  God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. I am not Super Mom, but I have a Super God.

I don’t want my kids to think I am Super Mom.  I want them to think of me as a Mom who loves them unconditionally, with a Super God who loves her unconditionally.  When I send the message of  Self Sufficient "Super Mom", I am sending the message that I am an independent power, which could not be farther from the truth.

Be Honest with yourself.
 I have come to learn the Super Mom cape I put on myself only drags me down into guilt and feelings of inadequacy. Admitting I was failing in my power and needed help to break a cycle of temper was humiliating. But like He does with all things for those who love Him, God turned my humiliations into an opportunity to learn humility...and how to tap into His power.  In humility I have to admit I need help...  I needed HIS power, not mine. I need HIS Cape, not mine.

Be Honest with your kids.
There is a school of thought  that your kids should never see you struggle, but I think that is a dangerous place to walk.  Yes, I want my kids to respect me, and look to me for wisdom, but do they know where  that wisdom comes from? Yes, I will strive to make the best choice I am capable of and be a good example, but am I also modeling the ability to admit when I am wrong?   Am I modeling dependence on my own strengths or on a much higher rock than I (note the blog title people)?

Disclaimer,  we are to discern what is appropriate to share. We are never called to lay adult burdens on the small shoulders of our children, but we are to model where to lay our burdens, at the feet of Jesus

I never want my kids to think that I do any of this on my own power; in case they have inherited my deep rooted independent streak [which is a high possibility], and think they will be able to do this life on their own power.

And when I fail [because we all do], I want to show them what it looks like in real life and real failure to ask for forgiveness.  I really want to show them what it looks like to earnestly Seek help from their Heavenly Father when they have a recurring struggle. I have been on my knees asking my kids for forgiveness for loosing my temper more times than I care to admit. I have prayed at dinner, through gritted teeth, for God to help me patient. Praise the Lord those times are exponentially less as my Savior grows my dependence on Him.

Honesty Begets Honesty. I earnestly pray transparency will one day allow my children the freedom to come to their Father with their sins, and humbly ask for forgiveness. I know my heart would have been mended, and been a little more trusting, if my temper-driven mother had gotten on my level, looked me in the eye, and asked for my forgiveness.

Your issue may not be yelling, but I bet you have issue.  We all do.  We all fall short, we all have holes in our capes.  But the beauty is you can always keep growing in Jesus, always working out your salvation and learning to use those most beautiful fruits of the Spirit.  He gives us HIS cape.  We are HIS creation. We only work in HIS power.

I am not Super Mom, and I taking off my cape to lay it at the feet of my Super, All Powerful God.