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Friday, November 15, 2019

You are not the perfect mother for your kids



I am about to make a lot of people mad.

I can't stand the "God made you the perfect Mommy for your kids, so stop guilting yourself" mentality.

Let me start off saying that I get this is a reaction to the world of MOMMY GUILT (which I also hate). If you are drowning in Mommy guilt, please don't let that paralyze you, but there is a difference between condemnation and conviction.

Condemnation is shame and "mommy wars" of who is better at breast feeding. It leads to paralyzing shame and hurt. Condemnation is the voice of the world saying you are NEVER going to be good enough. Condemnation drains your soul. It is nit-picky and seeks to make you feel wrong; your clothes are not right, your kids are too loud, your school choice is wrong.

Conviction is a gift, inviting you to do better. Conviction isn't necessarily pleasant, yet somehow fills and feeds your soul. What a beauty to be given the opportunity to repent and do better for your kids. Conviction is inspiring.

Conviction needs to be embraced, not thrown out with shame of condemnation.
Do you feel convicted about your yelling, or your day drinking? Do you feel convicted about your language around your children. Embrace it! Do better for your kids.

I was raised by a mother with a personality disorder (BPD). She did not embrace conviction.

When a child of an abusive mother hears, "God gives every child the perfect mommy for their needs", we ask ourselves, does that mean I deserved what I got in my mom? Did I need the screaming and belittling? Did I need the unpredictable rage alternating with manic moods that could be fun, productive, or scary, depending on the day. Did I need to be in an environment of trying to always be the good girl so that I could make her feel loved? Did I need to never get unconditional love from the person designed to give it to me?

She felt conviction, I assure you, but pushed it away as "people judging her". She would project the conviction onto me, saying I never loved her enough as a mother, meaning she expected unconditional acceptance just because she was my mother.

If you want to get into the theology of it, I do believe that God worked it all for His Glory to become the woman I am today. I was in a house that would make me have to FIGHT for healing. I was given the opportunity to see a marriage of constant strife so that I could deeply appreciate, to my bones, the servant leadership of a GOOD AND GODLY husband.

BUT that doesn't mean she was the "perfect mother for me" and didn't need to grow. Who knows what would have happened if she had embraced conviction, and tried to change. What glory that would have brought to God, and healing in my heart if she has tried to discern condemnation from conviction. Maybe I wouldn't have been almost 30, with two kids, before I truly TRUSTED unconditional love (my poor husband had a lot of years with a deeply insecure woman). Some of the scars she inflicted on my heart may be there until I go home to Heaven. I fight every day to be the mother I want to be.

The next time you see "stop feeling guilty because God made you the perfect mom for your kids", stop and think, is the guilt condemnation or conviction?

You have the POTENTIAL to be exactly who your kids need to be, but no one has arrived.

Are you drowning condemnation of mommy guilt world? IGNORE IT.  Is it the conviction that leads to a new and better life? EMBRACE IT. Seek healing, seek a counselor, seek repentance.

You are not the perfect mom for your kid, but you do have the perfect God.

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