Empty Wells

 

Are you a fill-the-bottom-half of your gas tank or or fill-the-top-half kind of person? As a teenager and broke young parent, I was a fill-the-bottom-half.  I knew exactly how many miles I could drive after that little green light came on!

In the recent years I have become a fill-the-top-half person because of safety, and fact that I had a van that gas tank indicator was broken! I never knew exactly how much was in my tank, and you never know when a winter storm will hit and you need to be prepared. It also only takes 1 or 2 times running out of gas to realize how much easier it is to fill the top half. 

I told a friend recently I feel like my emotional "tank" is on empty and I'm struggling to barely fill the bottom half. We all know 2020 is a "running on fumes" year.  

I am not going to explain why I'm empty (it can be said with just a simple "2020"), but God is reminding me again how to "fill my tank" when a storm is happening.

My last "running on fumes" season was when I had infant twins, and very low financial resources,  We were young broke parents, I had no friends who were also moms due to having babies at 23 and attending a church with no other moms.

I can feel the emotional echoes of that time, feeling isolated and drained, without built-in ways to meet my needs.  During that time I had to fight hard to find connection, and I slowly healed and got to the point where I was filling the "top half" of my emotional tank.

Switching from modern gas-tank metaphor to a more biblical water-bucket metaphor, God has often warned me of empty wells. I know they don't work through experience, but I keep finding my wandering back to quench my thirst in wells that do not satisfy. 

Why do I return to something that has proven unreliable in the long run? I return because these wells promise to satiate my thirst, and they require very little from me. 

They promise distractions from the pain, or momentary pleasure, and they give both. They promise a numbing feeling that sometimes we all desperately crave in a broken world.

Empty wells also promise self sufficiency, with very little vulnerability. I get to pull up the bucket, and in that I feel in control. Almost all my empty wells are in my control, and are one-way: no true intimacy is required.

But they do not satiate my need for peace. I thirst for unconditional love, for genuine relationships, and for someone to see my heart without fear of them hurting me. Empty wells of this world do not meet these needs.

Again, why do I keep returning when I know that my thirst will not be met? I return to these empty well when I do not trust in the sufficiency of His grace to slake my thirst. I do not trust in His unconditional love, His genuine want for relationship with me, and His ability to see my heart without hurting me.

Our enemy doesn't have to destroy us completely if he can slowly distract us. Distractions from the true well of Life are just promising enough that we mistake them for life giving, people and things that take more than they can ever give. 

What is an empty well that God is calling you to walk away from in 2020?  Procrastination, social media, dysfunctional relationships, and world powers all might make the list.

And what wells is He calling you to? Intentional relationships? Productive living, not just busyness that numbs? Spiritual discipline to renew your mind?

"Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” John 7:38

Spiritually Fed During Coronavirus

 

The modern Christian rhythm of getting "filled" on Sunday Morning has been disrupted by this Pandemic. Our spiritual routines are changed by online sermons, watching your kids during the sermon because of no children's church, or dealing with divisiveness in your church about a piece of cotton over your face. 

What do we do when we have to learn to be in charge of our personal growth?  Coronavirus has highlighted the need for personal spiritual disciplines more than any other time in my life.

 Personally, all my usual outlets of spiritual development have either been put on hold, moved online, or changed drastically due to restrictions.   Our less than 100 people church has had to move to two services, so I see only half my church family any given Sunday. Our weekly small group can't gather to eat together safely. My homeschool co-op prayer group has been cancelled because not enough people could agree on meeting with or without a mask.  My Bible study (www.bsfinternational.org) has moved online, which still keeps me in The Word, but definitely feels a bit different. 

But maybe this interruption is one of the many things God is trying to work out for good?  We were never ever meant to be "fed" on only Sunday (and don't get me started on my biggest pet peeve of someone leaving a church because they were not "being fed"). 

Babies are fed. Adults feed themselves.

God didn't make our bodies to only eat physical food one day a week, then pray those calories last for 6 more days.  Our bodies are designed to eat everyday, and as we grow up, to enjoy the responsibility of feeding ourselves.  

Daily Bread.  Intentional relationship. Constant Prayer.

These are the rhythms God has given us to feed our souls.

How are you feeding yourself during this time of Coronavirus?

(This is NOT A POST ABOUT WHETHER COVID RESTRICTITONS SHOULD BE THERE OR NOT. I will deleted comments debating restrictions.)

To Homeschool Moms during the "new reality" of Coronavirus

Speaking specifically to my fellow homeschool moms:

The new Coronavirus CDC guidelines for schools reopening in the fall came out this week. NO ONE knows what this will look like in implementation. Every school will look different in how they want, and can, follow these guidelines. No matter what your local school does, we all know life is going to be different, and probably harder, for your public school friends, and their kids next year, not to mention the amazing humans we call teachers.

While some of my friends are choosing to homeschool after quarantine, please please please remember homeschooling is not an option for many families, and furthermore it isn't even the best choice for many kids.

It is going to be very tempting as we see many parents frustrated with the realities to say, "That is why WE homeschool." This is not helpful.

The response,"That is why we homeschool" is NOT an appropriate or helpful response when a friend (who has a different schooling choice that you) is sharing a struggle with their child. Seriously, stop this.

I have been on the receiving end of "That is why we send our kids to school" more times that I can count; it is hurtful and judgmental. When a friend confides a parenting struggle we can listen to validate, prayerfully answer with scripture and encouragement, or just keep your mouth shut.

Not every mom should homeschool, and not every kid should be homeschooled. I know, gasp! Yes, this is a homeschool page. Yes, I LOVE homeschooling with my entire being, but I also firmly believe this lifestyle is not for every kid or family. My page is here to support those who feel the call, and believe it is best for their family.

I am not saying we should not be open to our friends about about homeschool. We MUST be there during this time to answer questions for anyone who is considering homeschool. I am very open about my choice to homeschool so that moms who are on the fence feel comfortable talking to me. But being open to helping is not the same as giving unsolicited advice to a public school mom whose struggling with their new reality.

Please pray and support your friend's choice to continue public school in the same way you want them to support your choice to homeschool.

I'm not patient enough to homeschool, and neither are you

Let me share a little secret with you, NO ONE is patient enough to homeschool.

I have been homeschooling for eight years, and just this morning I almost loss my cool over Algebra! Wait, that is a lie. I lost my cool. Thankfully it was internally and I didn't yell at my kids, but I grinded my teeth a bit. I then had to breathe slowly and look at the answer key in the teacher's manual.

The response I got most of the time, before Covid19 crisis-schooling, was "I would never be patient enough to homeschool."

I always want to say, "You're right. You aren't patient enough to homeschool, and neither am I."

Some people naturally have a more patient personality (not me), or grew up in a patient household that modeled it for you (not me), but those are NOT prerequisites to homeschool, or even crisis-school at home.

Patience is a growth trait, not a fixed trait.

Fixed traits are the color of your hair or eyes. You were born with them, and barring a great hair stylist, they aren't changing permanently.

Growth traits can be gradually increased through experience and intentional practice. In simple terms, we are not born patient, we grow patient.

So how do homeschool teachers do it? We do it by doing it. You become patient by being patient with kids. NONE of us started out patient, and NONE of us have arrived. Ask any homeschool about her first year homeschooling, and you'll hear from tear and anger filled memories.

We have to daily work on our reactions, even when we've taught the same lesson five different ways, and a kid doesn't "get it". We get up the next day to research YouTube videos and Facebook groups to find the sixth way, and pray it finally clicks.

Do we cry when we're frustrated? Yes.

Do we have to apologize to our kids for losing our temper? Abso-flipping-lutely!

Think of a skill you have had to grow in during your daily work. Have you become more organized, or a stronger team leader? Have you learned new computer skills to do your job?

So if homeschool moms aren't more patient, then what are we? We are committed. We chose this.

Everything is easier when we make a commitment to do it. You do it by doing it.
You do it by committing to doing it.

Homeschool moms committed to this willingly , and maybe you didn't. But it is here. Even if you didn't willingly commit to school at home, you did commit to your kids.

It doesn't matter if you chose this or it chose you, it is happening. You are now crisis schooling. You CAN do this.

You get patient by every day being a TINY bit more patient.

To Those Unexpectedly Homeschooling Due to COVID-19

Are your children suddenly E-Learning on a computer at home?  Or are you trying to figure out how to get your kids to do the folder of work sent home from school? Are you scrambling to find childcare for a two weeks while your child's school is shut down?


I am sorry this is happening, truly.
No homeschooler should ever be rooting for public schools to be closed! Events your kids have been training for are cancelled, that is heartbreaking. Time with their friends is suddenly taken from them.

The homeschooling community, at least the one I am part of, isn't anti-public school, quite the opposite. Many of my friends have one kid at home and one kid at public school.  Or our spouses work in the schools, or we used to work in the school.

Most of us know it is an vital part of our community, and the teachers are some of the most amazing people I have ever met. Many of us choose to homeschool not because of the people, but because of the system.  I feel the same about foster care system, the system is not my favorite, but the people in it are.  I am truly sorry so many kids, teachers, and parents will have such a disruption to their lives.


This is not what homeschooling looks like. 
Your kids love you and learn an immense amount of great values from you, but they are not used to learning their main academic material from you.  Give it time, and give grace.

This is not what our homeschool looks like. E-Learning Snow Days and crisis COVID-19 closures are not an accurate picture of what a homeschool experience looks like. You are unexpectedly doing public school at home, which is very different than homeschooling.

You didn't get to pick the math that doesn't make your kids cry (and that you have the teacher's manual for when you don't understand a problem).We have had time for everyone to adjust to the expectation of learning Math, English, etc. at home.  Give it time, and give grace. It does get better!!  

We get to pick our schedules. We get to pick our curriculum.We have already established homeschool communities, with co-ops, art classes, and gym classes where our kids get to see their friends on a regular basis. We also choose this. It may be harder for you in the next few weeks because of the nature of not getting to choose to school at home. Again, give grace to yourself and to your kids.  IT DOES GET IT EASIER!

Just like it would be rude for us to say to you "I could never send my kids to public school", please don't say "I could never homeschool" because of this experience. 

Give it time, and give grace. It does get better!!  Find a routine that works for you (see below). Your children will get used to this soon.  Change is hard. 


Your attitude will guide your child's attitude.
 In life, there are decisions made that we have no control over, or do not agree with, but with which we must deal with the consequences. This is one of those times. Your reaction can affect how your students later deal with decisions made by bosses.

Your children will take their cue from you. If your children only hear you rant and rave about how you think this is all "crazy and unnecessary", they will not learn how to cope with the consequence of decisions out of their control.


Pray for teachable moments. 
There are times for validating frustrations over cancelled events and missing friends, but look for the teachable moments in the lives of your children.

 Model how to develop coping skills in the midst of disappointment. Maybe encourage them to start journaling over their frustrations, a healthy coping skill they can use for their entire life. Help them find healthy outlets for their frustrations.

I am in no way downplaying the inconvenience and headaches that several unexpected weeks of no public school will bring. I know they will be severely disappointed over cancelled events, just like you may be frustrated in having to still work or juggle other obligations in light of your children being home. Again, I am very sad this happening.  But we learn through trials, and I will be praying that God shows you those moments where you can teach your children they can do hard things.


Talk about the future. 
Talking about the future lets your children know this too will pass.  This is another time where your attitude will directly effect your children's. Children and teens feel like every moment is the most important, and many will not be able to see past this crisis because of their innate ego-centrism. Talk about the future and assure them this is not a forever thing. Talk about how things are hard now, but it will get better, and you can make the best of it.

Teachers and schools are making plans so that your children do not suddenly forget all they have learned this year. And you would be amazed at how much your children will learn, even when not in a structured learning environment. They may even learn some new coping skills along the way.


Read. Read. Read. 
 If you do nothing during this time but read-alouds, audiobooks, or let them pick their own books, your child will still have a very educational break from public school! Set a goal of 20 minutes to an hour of reading everyday!  Pick classic audio books, like Chronicles of Narnia, and  play it a lunch or while they play legos.

Routine, not necessarily a Schedule
I said ROUTINE, not schedule. Establish a simple routine for your kids, and your sanity may be saved. Keeping your kids on their semi-predictable routine may help cut down on any behavioral issues.

During this time of unpredictable everything, give kids something predictable. Flexibility is key, because they are a bit fragile right now, but give them consistency when their is turned upside down.

DO NOT EXPECT the routine to be fall into place the first day. Your family needs to find YOU groove. Like I said before, change is hard. Give it time. If you are consistent to a routine, even the simplest one of maybe a few educational activities or e-learning in the morning and movie in the afternoon, eventually it will become an accepted routine.


Free Online Resources 
There are a LOT of homeschooling resources out there to keep our children busy over the next few weeks.

Free Homeschooling Resources

Again, I am very sorry this is happening. No homeschooler wishes this type of fear and uncertainty onto public schools. I will continue to pray for peace and a quick end to this crisis.