El Roi: Our Need to Be Seen

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." C.S. Lewis

Our Need to Be Seen

We have a deep, real need to be in relationship. We want to be vulnerable with others, and have others be vulnerable with us. We want someone to know us, to know our business.  We want to know another person's business!  Why do you think we have a multi-million dollar gossip magazine/website industry?  There are literally million of people who are seeking vulnerability, wanting that feeling of being part of a celebrity life. 

God promises use a much better form of being seen, on earth. He gives us the ability to be vulnerable, and see by Him.  He also enables us the ability to be seen by others here on Earth.


God saw her
Hagar, the broken alone servant girl, mother to Abraham's illegitimate child Ishmael.  She is sitting in the desert watching her child starved to death, after being thrown out of her home by Abraham's jealous and bitter wife. She is alone and rejected.  She is filled with terror for her child. She is running from abuse, from sin, from pain.

In this moment, God meets Hagar int he desert.  But he didn't just meet with her,  He SEES her.  

"She [Hagar] gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: 'You are the God who sees me,' for she said, "I have now seen The One Who Sees Me." Genesis 16:13 

The name of God Hagar uses is El Roi-, meaning The God Who Sees Me. This is the only time in the Bible where this particular name is used for God.  What awesome beauty in that.  God saw a scared, lonely, hurting, and broken girl, and he saves her.

Don't you want that?  To be seen in your most painful and fearful moments, and still be loved by the God of the Universe.  God saw her. And I promise you He sees you.

He sees me; the broken, lonely girl that I am.   He see me when I am filled with fear for my children.
God is our first example of what true vulnerability looks like.  Hagar is not at her best before God seeks her, she is at her most honest.


See Others

"And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment." Phil 1:9

In Hagar's story, God seeks out this broken girl.  Sometimes those who are hurting will come to us for help, but that takes immeasurable bravery. We are called to be observant of those in need, to always seek a love of understanding. There are seasons in life where others may be too raw, or just plain exhausted to share what they need to others.  They need you to seek them out.

Vulnerability is slowly given through time and  trust. 

1. Be a person others can trust-No one will confide in you if you the type who find secrets as currency.  It may be subtle, but sharing others hurts, even in the context of a "prayer request" will damage any trust you have built.
2. Listen to their story- Ask open-ended questions about their story, their life.  They don't have to be super deep, but they must be genuine. Were they in sports?  Why do they love owls?  In my experiences, vulnerability can happen when you feel like some genuinely just wants to know your story, just for the sake getting to know you better, no judging involved. 
3. Be Relatable, not Self-focused. Many times intimacy is born from shared experiences. Knowing we are not the only one with "that story" is essential for healing, but be very careful to not make their story all about you.  We ALL struggle with this. Pray pray pray during your conversations for how much you need to share. I have learned to err on the side on less details depending on the context. I want to be authentic with my shared experience, but once I begin going into details of MY experience it becomes about me, which isn't always appropriate the sacred space of someone sharing a hurt for the first time. I am not saying there won't be a time to share the details, but pray for discernment when someone is being vulnerable for the first time. 

Talking is not the only way to build vulnerability.  Some people are not able to process their struggles verbally, but they still need you.  My prayer is to discern how I can see another person's unspoken needs. 

When you know someone is struggling, DO NOT ASK "How can I help?".  Just start helping.  Bring a meal, pick up their kids so they can have a date, etc. I once had a friend just tell me, not ask me, he was picking up my kids that week for a play date so I could get my every growing pile of work done. I would have never asked him directly to do this, but I was immensely grateful. 

These types of unsolicited service show someone you see their need, you show you see them.

Let Others See You

Vulnerability is a scary thing.  Seriously. But I can say from experience, the value outweighs the fear.  I am the first to admit there are seasons when you need someone to help pull you of the pit without being asked, but we know one can supernaturally see into our hearts, but God.   

Unspoken Expectations are the leading cause of death to relationships. I have been guilty of unfairly thinking loved ones need observe my need without me saying it (anyone else unfairly expect your husband or friend to be a mind reader?!?!)  

I have failed many times to be honest when I amfeeling worn.  Sometimes I don't share because I have a  real fear of being "needy".   I love that my husband can sometimes mistake me for Super Mom, but respectfully admitting to him I need his help is best for me and our marriage.   

It just plain unfair, and fruitless, to expect others to supernaturally see those places that are emotionally raw. After growing up in an abusive household, I have triggers.  It is just a fact.  Everyone has some place where we are all raw and sensitive.  I personally don't believe avoiding triggers has brought me healing but honestly with my loved ones about those wounds has.

 It is important to know we are all human, and your friends will make mistakes, say the wrong thing sometimes.  This will especially happen in those friendships where you are trying to grow a deeper intimacy.  Being honest about our pain and giving the benefit of the doubt are the best gifts you can give your friends.

God is the only who can see your heart, but he graciously gives us friends and family who would love to know you, to see you.  

Satan does not want women to be vulnerable with other women.  Satan hates Godly Female Friendships. He knows how powerfully a woman's life can change for God when she is surrounded by other Godly women; spurring her on and encouraging her in life's struggles.  I have seen the battle firsthand, and I have seen the life changing power of a women ministering to other women. Remember this as your seek a deeper intimacy with a female friend. 

Our honesty in relationships must begin with our relationship with God. I have to be honest with him about my doubts, my sensitivities, my sins, and my heart.  The beauty is he has already seen it all, and still loves me.  From that confidence, I can be courageous with others about my heart.



Seeing others can help you heal

" Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. " 1 Cor 1:3-4

Comforting others is a tried and true road to healing. My personal testimony has been that sharing vulnerable moments with another in their hurt can unexpectedly bring about the healing you were seeking.  

The Holy Spirit has often brought me  a new perceptive on on my own pain,while I was seeking to comfort someone else. 

 I know I can get so blinded by my own hurt and grief, that the idea of comforting another seems almost impossible. I am not saying there are not seasons of grief where we are just the receivers of comfort,  I just came out of one.  I had literally nothing to give anyone.

But there are, but ability to share the pain & burdens with our sisters and brothers in Christ is what the church was designed for, and ultimately one of the ways God brought me healing. 


Being Seen Leads to Accountability

Vulnerability leads to intimacy, and intimacy leads to accountability.

God sees our whole heart, the yucky parts too.  If we are not willing to also share the worse parts of us, then we are not truly genuine when we share the good.  If we want others to see us, we need to be willing to receiving truth from others.  

I heard once that everyone needs a biblical "Jonathan and Nathan" in their lives.  Jonathan was King David's best friend, always protecting and sacrificially loving on him. The Jonathan in your life will bring you unconditional love in all circumstances   

Nathan was the prophet who had to wisely, and lovingly, confront David on his sin. The Nathan loves you enough to speak truth in way that brings about repentance.   

A warning for those who think themselves natural "Nathans". You can not be a Nathan to a stranger. You must love the person as much as they love the truth you need to share.   Nathan cared enough about David to study him.  He knew the most effective way to bring about a better intimacy with God for David.  

Be careful not to take the name of "Nathan" until you check your motivation.  Are you wanting another to repent to you (i.e admit you were right?), or to repent to God and grow closer to Him?


Safety in who Sees You 
 Godly Wisdom is essential when deciding who let see your true heart.  Below are three important rules  I have had to learn (almost all hard way).

Women Need Women.  Men Need Men. A person can  be inappropriate for you to be intimate with, based solely on their gender or your other relationships. For example, it is inappropriate for a married woman  sharing her deep heart struggles to a man who isn't her husband, in turn creating an intimacy that is to be reserved solely for your mate.  

Keep Your True Circle Small. Vulnerability 'spread too thin' can also be unwise. It can be a challenge to discern where to be vulnerable in a world of social media, with hundreds, if not thousands, of online "friends". Some feel perfectly comfortable with dozens of "deep' friendships,  but my experience  has proved a few deep relationships are much more fulfilling to my need "to be seen" than several acquaintances. Jesus only had 12 disciples, and of those disciples, only 3 truly saw him transfigured on the Mount.

Vulnerability is a two way street. There are people who seek only to be seen, with no intention of 'seeing' you. We have all had that friend, who spends 90% of the conversation on their problems. Don't get me wrong, is important to connect through shared experiences & connecting stories!  When someone speaks of their dog problems, you can encourage with a story of your dog.  These are shared to help the other person, not to bring the spotlight back. It is not okay for every conversation to always end up ultimately about solving their life.  

Be Aware of Co-Dependency and Enabling 

  Some people may expect you to carry their everyday loads, with no effort on their part to carry their own load, and with no reciprocity involved.  While there is healing to be found in helping someone through their crisis, be aware of a lop-sided relationship that will eventually become unhealthy for both parties (i.e. Co-dependent) If you feel like you are in a lop-sided relationship, I highly recommend by "Boundaries" Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

 Only because we are made in His image can we see others,  I praise Him for that gift. 

I pray I use it wisely for His glory. 

Small lifestyle changes that add up to BIG weight loss

It has been 2 full years since I started this journey. It has a been a year since I reached my goal weight loss, and I have only gone up or down 7 lbs or so in the past year.   With this victory, I wanted to share my how-to of how I kept it off. Please read some of the emotional spiritual aspects of my weight loss journey here because they go hand in hand.

 I went into loosing weight the mentality of however I lost the weight was how I was going to keep it off. With that simple idea, I choose to settle for loosing weight slowly with  permanent lifestyle changes instead of  a drastic diet that was impossible to maintain.  If it is going to be lasting change, it will TAKE A LOT OF TIME. DRASTIC and QUICK change is not lasting!

It took me SIX MONTHS to loose my first 15 pounds, and then 3 months to loose 25 more. Do not loose heart.  I was healthier at the end of the first six months than I had ever been in my life, even if I had only lost one pants size.

Health Habits:

• Talk to your doctor. Your doctor may have a key to helping you unlock some of your motivation/weight loss issues  I have hypothyroidism. Before I addressed this issue with proper medication, I was worked out with absolutely no change in my body or energy levels. 
• Vitamins that are specific to YOUR health needs. I am a believer in Vitamins, but I do not like multivitamins because you can be getting too much of something you are getting in your diet, or not enough of something you are deficient in . I sat down and did research and talked to professional about my personal health and what vitamins would suit my body needs.   
• Vitamin B Complex with Vitamin C- The B vitamin helps with my energy levels connected to my thyroid problems.  The Vitamin C also helps with some of my thyroid and immune issues connected to my hypothyroidism. 
• Vitamin D- Most women are deficiency in Vitamin D, especially pale girls like me who have to avoid the sun.  I also found this vitamin extremely helpful in combating winter blues during those dark months of November through March. 

Physical Fitness Changes:

• Make a realistic, health-geared goal.  I knew that being a size 6 like I was in high school sounded nice, but I knew it was not something I could maintain.  I also had to not compare my body with someone else.  My friend's "fat" clothes were my goal weight, and that is OK. (ye sit stung a bit, but I had to see my own health is different than hers)  I chose my goal of getting back down to a BMI 26 (I started at BMI 33.5). I also wanted a cardiovascular health that I knew I was missing. I am sure there are size two's who may look better in jeans that I do, but don't care that they have the heart health of a 60 year old. 
• Get up during everyday activities. Do not plan to sit every time your kids go to the park.  Chase them, go down a slide at the playground, and ride bikes with them.
• Strenuous Exercise for 20 minutes two times a week.  I don't mean walking around the block; I mean Jillian Micheal DVD yelling at you & being covered with sweat after only 20 minutes. I know that I could not work out every day for an hour, but I could commit to this simple goal of only twice a week. 
• Accountability Tip: I had a blank calendar on the fridge with NOTHING else written on it.  AFTER I worked out, I put the time I did on this calendar.  It had to be blank other than exercise to work, because the empty spaces would tell me very quickly if I was keeping to my very simple goal of 20 minutes two times a week

Eating Habits: 
My eating habits had been large portions eaten very quickly. I knew this had to change and it was a process with lots of little strategies to reteach my brain.

• Small Salad Plate for every meal for the first six months.  I learned quickly that I could make healthy food, and still over eat.  Excess calories in any form, even broccoli, turn into fat.  I had to RETRAIN my brain to learn what a correct portion size was.  After about 6 months of only getting ONE helping on a small plate, I could finally trust myself to make better portion choices.
• Slow bites, with rest between.  The brain take a full 20 minutes to register when your stomach is full.  Put your fork/spoon down on the table between each bites.  Swallow fully before picking it back up. How many of you have ever said, "OH I should not have had the last piece of pizza?" You must give your brain time to know you are full. This little strategy helped me get my brain and stomach back into clear communication.
• No eating after 9pm.  This as a BIG  and VERY CHALLENGING change for me because I usually watch any TV shows after 9pm, a.k.a my kid's bedtimes.  Snacking while watching TV was a favorite of mine and led to many bowls of cereal eaten around 11pm:) I bought several  100 calorie snacks just in case I couldn't resist the urge to snack late at night. 

Cooking Habits: 
Most of the choices I made were not to cut something from our family's diet, but simply substitute it for a smaller portion with a  healthier twist (like real potatoes instead of boxed).  Substitution is the key to not feeling like you have to eat only salads for the rest of your life. Some of your favorite recipes can easily be remade into a healthy choice by switching out butter for olive oil, or switching our boxed for fresh.

• No more canned vegetables or fruits.  Only fresh or Frozen. The benefit from cutting this amount of sodium from our lives was felt quickly.   The flavors alone of eating  green beans sauteed or roasted with yummy olive oil, garlic salt, and Italian seasonings got my kids to no longer fight over eating vegetables! 
• Stop buying read meat.  Disclaimer: I am NOT anti-red meat. I will of course red meat at  restaurant or if served at a friends, but we chose to switch to ground turkey for our household.  This change has brought about better digestion for the family, which was an issue for many of our household.  When I do make the exception and buy red meat, we pay more to buy LEAN cuts because health is worth it. Make sure you are eating dark leafy greens to sub the vitamins you would get from red meat.
• Meatless once a week.  Cutting meat from one dinner a week not only saved money on meal planning, but made me more creative in the kitchen. If we didn't want to eat spaghetti every week, then I had to find new recipes. Some of our family's favorite veggie meals are:

Ravioli Primavera (page 90 on Dinner on Dime)

 Crockpot Creamy Spinach and Tortellini Soup

 Noodles Florentine with Spinach (page 171 Dinner on a Dime)

 Spaghetti with no meat in sauce, homemade garlic bread, with big  salad

 Vegetarian Minestrone Soup with beans

Potato Soup and cornbread

Broccoli and Cheese Soup (skinnytaste.com)

Macaroni and Cheese and Broccoli (Skinnytaste.com)

Spinach Lasagna roll-ups (skinnytaste.com)

  Lentil tacos (page 86 on Dinner on a Dime)

 Grilled Cheese and  Soup

Creamy Garlic Angel Hair Pasta  with steamed California Vegetables

Hurt Teaches

As a mom of preschoolers, I would easily slip into thinking my entire job as a parent is to protect. When we have babies, we protect them so much, because they need us to stay alive! Then as toddlers & preschoolers, they actively try to kill themselves everyday by jumping down the stairs, or walking into the street. Protect, protect, protect.

But somewhere along the line, protection no longer becomes our main goal. Complete protection can become detrimental to their growth.

Recently one of my sons was crying during a consequence for being too rough with his brother. He looked at me and forcefully said, "You hurt my feelings!"

 This isn't new from him. As a recovering yelling mom, I have given my kids permission to tell me if my anger has turned to yelling. Please note that I mean out of control yelling, not the slightly raised Mom voice you occasionally need with your kids.

But as kids do, he has taken this permission and pushed it too far on many occasions. Several times before he has told us his feelings are hurt when he gets a negative consequence.

But this time, I knew I hadn't lost my temper, and he was just upset at being disciplined. His consequences included not only a loss of privileges, but he wasn't allowed to play with his brother for 20 minutes. I looked into his eyes as he cried about how sad he was about not being able to play with his best friend (his brother) and God prompted me to say,

"Sometimes the hurt feelings are the consequence."

The moment it left my mouth I knew my Heavenly Father was wanting me to hear this truth in my own heart. He had already whispered this truth to me in my own feelings, in times I have cried out to Him.

Sometimes the hurt isn't even from a choice we made ourselves, but it is no less instructive about how we proceed in the future.

Hurt teaches.

I am not talking physical hurt either, because how quick are we to tell our kids that touching the stove with make them burn? But do we stress the emotional consequences of being mean to a friend,  that their friend may not want to play with them anymore?    Do we discuss how if a friend lies to them, that feeling of betrayal then teaches them to put trust in someone else more worthy?  Do we stress how if they break the confidence of a friend, their friend then loses precious trust in them?

 It is easy to say with my head that my kids need to feel consequences of their actions, but sometimes my mama's heart revolts.  We want to protect.  We want to protect them from friends who hurt them, or from the pain of loss. Sometimes we protect them with a more selfish motivation, knowing their consequences will also effect us in some way we'd prefer not to deal with. To shield my child from consequences of his actions would be to render him powerless. He has power over his actions,  and must therefore feel their consequences.

Our role as parents is not to inflict hurt or completely shield them from it, but to help them try to understand the lesson the hurt is teaching.

Hurt teaches.

When we feel the pain of our own actions, we repent. We chose our actions more wisely the next time.  We learn the healing power of when we are forgiven.

When we feel the pain of someone else's actions, we can learn how hard it is to forgive, and how freeing it is to forgive. We learn how to choose friends wisely.  We learn how to not let bitterness take root.

Hurt teaches. LORD, help me learn the lesson it's teaching.

This a picture of my boys sitting in time-out at my in-laws Christmas Tree Farm.
Their disobedience led to them missing a fun  wagon ride to the tree fields and they were so cute while sulking that  I couldn't help but snap a picture.

EASY DIY Transformers Cakes

My goal for the twins is to always make them each their own birthday cake.  The funny and great thing about twins boys is that they usually like the same themes.  This year they both wanted a transformers cake, and we accomplished it for under $10!

Materials Needed to make stencil:

• top of cereal box 
• printed picture of auto-bot symbol
• exacto knife
• tape

Materials to decorate cake:

• Decorating Sand Sprinkles
• icing & food coloring
• cake mix plus ingredients on box

1.  Print Auto bot Symbol to needed size.  I was using 2 small 9 inch round pans so printed a half  page picture.

Click on image, then download.

2.  Tape to brown side of cereal box.  Cut out with exacto knife. I cut paper first, then cardboard. Make sure to have a cutting surface underneath your picture so you don't damage your table.

3. After cutting out picture, set stencil aside.  Bake cake and ice with color of your choice. I used food coloring in white icing.

4. Let icing dry and harden in fridge for a few hours so the icing won't stick to the stencil.  Once icing is not sticky, place stencil on cake and sprinkle decorating sand.  Pat sand gently before lifting stencil.

Homemade Laundry Detergent for Sensitive Skin

I started using this because my son had eczema. We were going through expensive All Free and Clear detergent very quickly, but he was still breaking out. When I found this recipe, it not only cleared his skin, but I make about a year's worth of laundry detergent for under $20.


Homemade Laundry Detergent


Materials needed:

• Snapware Airtight Storage Container (must be airtight or it will clump!)
• Measuring Cup
• Grater

Ingredients:

• 2 bars Fels-Naptha Laundry Bar Soap - Grated
• 2 cup Arm & Hammer Washing Soda 
• 2 cup Dry Powdered Borax
• 2 cups of Oxi-Clean Free and Clear Powdered (Optional)

1. Grate 2 bars Fels Naptha Laundry Soap 
I bought a cheap cheese grater  and plastic shoe box from dollar store and use exclusively for grating the soap and storing my soap making tools. If you grate the Fels Naptha soap pieces too big, they won't dissolve, so do not rush this step. A friend tried this recipe and she said she used her food processor but the pieces were too big and did not dissolve. Sometimes I grate them, then use my fingers to break into crumbles.

2. Add in other powdered ingredients 
I also bought a cheap measuring cup from dollar store that I use exclusively  for soap making because Borax is toxic to ingest.

3. Mix Well in an air-tight container Container must be air tight or it will harden with big clumps. I use a Snapware Airtight Storage Container with locking lids, that is also leak proof. The air tight container will prove even more useful because you can put the lid on and just shake.  If you are making a double batch you may have to stir just a bit.

4. Use 1 1/2 Tbsp for an Extra Large Load in a Non High Efficiency Washer (see below if you have High efficiency washer).  Experiment with a load of towels to see if you can get away with just using 1 1/2 TBSP in your washer.

I have heard some people complain it doesn't melt in cold water, but since I ONLY use cold water to wash clothes the temp of the water is not the problem. If the soap flakes are not dissolving, you are not using enough water and/or stuffing your washer too full, or are using too much soap.   High Efficiency washers do not use as much water as older washers. If you have a high efficiency washer you will need to use less detergent.

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Lattice Privacy Fence-adding height to a short fence

We put a privacy fence around 3 sides of our yard last Spring.  The 4th side was a neighbor who we liked and already had a nice short 4 foot fence.  That neighbor unfortunately had to move.  Since we don't know who will be moving in, the neighbor gave us permission to extend his fence up a little bit before he sells it. We have been wanting this for while because there is a restaurant with outdoor patio two doors down.  You can also see in the Before picture that we could see the restaurant's dumpster from our backyard.

BEFORE

AFTER

 

Instead of digging new posts and putting a brand new fence in, we extended the existing posts.