Lessons Learned Living with Food Restrictions

This is not a post that I was really excited about sharing, but it just kept writing itself. I would write lessons here and there, but have delayed publishing for months. It's not fun being a poster girl for any type of medical issue, and I really don't want to be spokesperson for food restrictions, but this journey has chosen me.

Lets first establish what food restrictions are, they are not food sensitivities.

A food sensitivity is frustrating and inconvenient when you eat that food because you have mild adverse reaction, such as a stomach ache or a headache that lasts maybe an hour or two. Too much dairy gives you somewhat uncomfortable gas? You have a food sensitivity, not a restriction.

Food restrictions are real and consequences of eating restricted foods are serious and long lasting.

Some of the many legitimate reasons people have food restrictions:

• Thyroid and other Autoimmune diseases 

• Diabetes 

• Celiac Diseases 

•  Crohn's disease 

•  Chronic inflammation 

•  Chronic migraines

•  Chronic gastrointestinal pain 

•  Many, many more. All valid.

It's tough, and it's been a long process, but I've learned several lessons. My hope is if you've been diagnosed with a food allergy or food restrictions, or someone you love has, that these lessons will help you also.

1.  Acknowledge the Grief Process
Be prepared for a grieving process, and allow yourself to feel the emotions of grief, to move on in a healthy way. No one warned me about this, and it was essential to surviving this process in an emotionally healthy way.

Feeling and naming grief is part of a healthy process, and brings us healing when we are brave enough to face it.

Having food restrictions isn't just about not being able to eat a certain food, you lose a lot of experiences with other people. You lose an emotional outlet, because let's face it, a lot of us are emotional eaters. 

We actually suffered a terrible family loss a few months after I began this food allergy journey.  People brought so much food, and I couldn't eat any of it. I couldn't numb my emotions with food, and at times I felt jealous of my loved ones who could.

Just as in any healing process, allow yourself to feel the loss that accompanies food allergies.  There are many things you lose. I lost not being able to eat at restaurants with my family.  I lost being able to accept the kindness of others who brought food. I lost the ability to eat food I didn't make. 

Denying these emotional toll of food restrictions will keep you from dealing with those feelings in a healthy way.


2. Focus on what you CAN eat
Just like any grief process, focusing on what you still have is part of the healing process.

There will fun new foods you get to discover. Before my food allergies, I had never eaten guacamole, because green food looked weird. After being restricted from cheese, I wanted something creamy for my tacos, and I discovered the absolute beauty of guac. 

When I couldn't find a suitable ranch dip for my veggies, I tried hummus for the first time, and the creaminess was delicious and so much healthier for me. I now eat more middle eastern food, which I never ate before. 

There are SO MANY foods in this world, restrictions can open your eyes to ones you hadn't considered before.

3. Finding Alternatives help fill the gap
There is an alternative for almost any food. 

Finding alternatives sometimes does mean more cooking  from scratch. I think our overhaul health has improved, and my budget is much healthier because I can't buy processed food.

I have also learned to bake during this time because it is impossible to find food I can eat in bakeries, which my waistline doesn't thank me for, but my kids and husband LOVE how much baking I do now.

Sometimes finding all the alternatives you can eat means more shopping around. I used to 100% shop at Aldi, but now I get my granola bars and brownies from Kroger, my dairy free cream cheese from Meijer, and my Egg Free Mayo from Fresh Thyme or Whole Foods. 

It sounds like a little extra work, but we are living in the golden age of food alternatives. 

Find a friend with your allergy and ask them where they get their alternatives.  

4. Always be prepared 
Every purse and bag that I own has a granola bar or a snack in it at all times. And I mean GOOD SNACK, like something I look forward to eating. Once I use that snack I try replace it as soon as I get home.

When I'm going somewhere over mealtimes I pack a lunch.

When I attend a potluck, I always make an entree and a dessert so that I know I'll get both.

This helps me avoid getting hangry (hangry=hungry+angry) and disappointed when I go somewhere and there isn't food available for me. Sometimes you're pleasantly surprised, but it's better to be over  prepared than to have nothing to eat.

This also helps me feel less left out, or other.  Know you are going to a birthday party and won't be able to eat the cake?  Bring a super yummy chocolate bar or cookie just for this occasion!  This will be a long process of being ok with not getting to eat the cake (remember the grief process?), but eventually you will be ok with just being proud of yourself that you have something sweet to eat too!

5.  Sometimes people will be awkward.
Hosts are going to feel bad when they make food that you can not eat. I'm part of a weekly small group at our church where we have a potluck each time we meet, and I can't eat 99% of the food brought by other people. At first that was a really emotionally hard for me, but I can also tell that it was all very hard for all the people who wanted to love on me by sharing food together. Again, this is part of the grieving process.

I really do not want to be the food allergy poster girl. It can be very embarrassing.  It is not a club that I wanted to join. I don't want to be the person that everyone tiptoes around and apologizes for because they're eating foods I cannot eat.  

I've  had to walk an interesting line of REALLY not wanting to not have to tell every person I meet about my food allergies, but also being honest about why I have to bring my own food everywhere, or why I can't go to a restaurant.

 I was in a situation where everyone got free ice cream  for helping a mutual friend move. I tried to discreetly just say no thank you, and they asked multiple times and teased me saying that I was on a diet. I then had to divulge that I couldn't eat dairy. It was embarrassing for both of us. 

 My sons are very empathetic and concerned for me, and for a while anywhere we went they would tell people about all the foods that I could not eat. I had to tell them that it's embarrassing for them to point out every food on the table that I can't eat. 

A person with food allergies does not need you to point out to them the food that they cannot eat, they already know. If you know someone with food allergies, let them be in charge of their food.  You think you're being helpful, but unless that have specifically asked you to help, pointing out and asking about all the things that can not eat at a meal is quite embarrassing. 


6.  Sometimes people will be great.
My allergies are not straightforward, I wish that it was something as simple as avoiding gluten or dairy, but I'm allergic to half a dozen foods that are in a lot of everyday common foods, like potatoes and yeast.  

I have a few friends who have walked on this hard journey with me who have made it easier. They go to the restaurants they know that I can eat at.  They text me recipes they are making, and keep ALL the cans and boxes so that I can read the ingredients before I eat anything, because that's my life.  I NEVER expect anyone to do this, EVER, but it is a pleasant surprise when it happens. 

7. Sometimes people will be ignorant and rude. 
Some people will treat you as if you're on a diet, that you somehow are choosing your own restrictions.

This mentality seems to stem from the fad of those who very loudly, and sometimes obnoxiously, abstain from food sensitivities as if it was a critical food restriction. Sadly this approach has unintentionally taught the public that there is some type of choice in food restrictions. 

I have had more than half a dozen people respond to my reluctant admission of food allergies with:

"I would rather die than not being eat __insert food here__!"

In case you didn't know already, this is an inappropriate response.  If I told someone I lost my foot, no one would dream of saying to my face that they'd rather kill themselves than live without a foot.

My life is very full, and food restrictions are not a fate worse than death. These comments are completely based out of ignorance. There will be times when you can gently educate, and there will be times you need to ignore the ignorant.

6. You are so much stronger than you think.
I have struggled with self control in regards to food my whole life. My emotional eating was a deep stronghold, and even experiencing disordered eating of bulimia in High School. 

Though food restrictions I found I had self control I never thought possible. It wasn't easy, but I'm able to not only say no, but not feel completely empty when I have to say no. 

 I credit this with allowing myself to really work through the grief process. I literally wept over losing macaroni and cheese from life, and have for the most part moved on (grief is still grief and sometimes it still hurts).

If you had told me 2 years ago I could take my kids into Krispy Kreme and get them a donut, and be at peace not getting one for myself, I would never have believed you. But there is amazing growth and self-control that can come out of this process if you allow it.


7.  It will eventually be worth it
It will be worth it. You can eventually get to a point where you will not feel sad all the time about not eating the food that everybody else is eating, because you just feel so much better.

The longer you refrain from food that hurts you, the easier it gets to see how much it was hurting you. You'll get to the point where that particular food is just not worth it. It's not worth the pain, it's not worth of discomfort, it's just not worth it. There's so many more important wonderful things in life other than food. 

I hope this has been helpful. Please share with my about your journey with food restrictions.

Easter and Grief

I can confidently say I've never fully grasped the power of Easter until this year.

My life was full of doubts.  As I witnessed acquaintances find deep comfort in Heaven as their loved one passed, I wondered if I would find the same comfort if I ever lost someone dear.  Did I really believe in paradise that Jesus promised to the thief hanging next to him on the cross?

 Like so many lessons in life, I wish I had been sure of this particular belief without the accompanying experience;

I want patience without waiting.

I want love without vulnerability.

I want wisdom without experience.

I want appreciation without  loss.

I know what I believe about Easter, my doubts are gone. I know with all my heart where my brother-in-love Caleb is today. He was only 36 , with a fiance and four young children, too much life still left to live. He loved with all his heart, including his love for his Savior.

I know where he is, but I am still selfish. I want our brother back. I want my beloved mother and father-in-law to have never felt the pain of losing a child.  I want my husband to have his big brother back. I want Caleb to be the one to raise his four kids. I want him to spend a lifetime here with the newly found love.

I am thankful  to know that for the 16 years I was his little sister-in-love, I felt protected and loved.

It is OK to believe he in paradise, and still weep.  Jesus wept.  Jesus wept when Lazarus was in the grave, even with the full knowledge he could call him back. If Jesus wept over loss, I can too.

As we weep, my heart knows the joy and grief is mixed together.

When I really ponder on where he is, I couldn't wish him back to this world of pain.

Our brother was carpenter. He loved wood working and building something from nothing.  Caleb rushed into new fun wood working projects with an excitement that was contagious. How my heart aches with joy that Caleb is spending eternity with Jesus the Carpenter.

As much we we loved him, Caleb was always infuriatingly late...like showing up to his own surprise party an hour late! That guy would be so excited with whatever he was doing in the moment, that all other obligations fell away.  If you were waiting on him, it was infuriating, but if you were the one he was with, it made you feel deeply valued.

He is now the one waiting for us, and I bet he can't wait to share paradise.  I am not happy about his death, but I have never felt the true joy of the Easter deeper. The joy is Easter is not happy, it is painful.

Praise you Lord. Praise you for your defeat of death.  Thank you for this beautiful & painful salvation.

How to Help When a Loved One's Family is in Critical Care

How to help when a loved one's family is in critical care

 The original title of this article was either "How to not make it worse...."

Critical Medical Emergencies are scary. The first thing you think is "What do I do?"

We had so many amazing people support us during the time my brother was in ICU, from sending messages to having food delivered. I don't know what I would have done without my support system. Unfortunately there were also others who made it worse. Some were merely thoughtless, and had no idea how their unintentionally inconsiderate actions affected the family.

The spirit of this article is not to shame or to complain, but to give you insight. I would know NONE of this if we hadn't experienced it firsthand.   A few months ago, I lost my brother in law after several days in critical care. Each day felt like a week, we called it "Hospital time". 

 I must first stress how CRITICAL CARE is different than supporting someone in the recovery sections of the hospital. Forget all images of visiting someone recovering from pneumonia, or when you had your baby. Critical can be minute to minute life and death. You are woken up from deep sleep (which is rare to come by) to hear updates or make life altering decisions. You learn to read monitors.  You become family with the nurses.  You spend every moment advocating for your loved one.  

My husband and I  have come up with some tips on how you can be helpful, or at least avoid making it worse, when you have friend who has a loved one in critical care. 

 #1 Reach out, but don’t pressure.

The next time your loved one has someone in critical care, reach out to tell them you love them and are thinking of them. Reach out, but don’t push or pepper with questions about details.   Let them know you are there if they need you, then take their lead in how much they want to share. You will probably not get a response right away, or ever, but that is OK.

Making someone tell you the details of what sent their loved one to the hospital is selfish.  You want to know details out of curiosity, but making them rehash fresh trauma is not helpful.  Sometimes your friends wants to share, but let them lead. Many times if they trust you the details come out naturally, but don't push.

#2 Be patient for updates.

Send well wishes and prayer, but don't pepper with questions. Be patient and wait for when they are ready to update you.  Critical care changes up and down so quickly, the updates are never accurate.

The literal worst thing you can do is call the inner circle and pester for updates.  Text them and if they need to vent or talk it out, they can call.

Also if the news is bad, your pushing in makes it worse. We also found that the moment we starting sharing news was when it felt real. In this age of instant updates and live streaming, I get that waiting is hard, but you must be respectful of the family's choice of what and when to share. 

Again, this is CRITICAL CARE, not a normal hospital stay. This may sound cold, but the first-tier grievers are the immediate family members. Respect their wishes at all times. Critical care and ICU is a small window of time, and no matter the outcome, you will get your time to see the patient or family eventually. Your need for news or closure needs to take a back seat to the needs and wishes of the immediate family. 

My brother was a man who made friends wherever he went.  He was one of my favorite humans on the planet, and many others had the same feeling.  Which meant many people wanted update of his condition after his accident. We literally had to assign a person to answer the cell phones in the waiting room, because people kept pestering with questions.

#3 Presents over presence

I am not trying to scare people away, but please know CRITICAL CARE IS DIFFERENT THAN NORMAL HOSPITAL STAY.  Family must be emotionally & physically present at all time.  I truly can not describe it, and I hope you never experience it. 

Do not show up unannounced, ever, for any reason. Unless you are specifically asked to visit, or loved ones specifically say "open to visitors”, then ALL visitors need to stay away. There are several reasons for this. 

• Critical Care is not the same as the recovery sections of the hospital. Decisions are made all the time, updates are essential as you advocate for your loved one.   Again, this is NOT the recovery section of the hospital. 
• It takes time and emotional resources (neither of which there are extra) for someone to coordinate when they can meet you at the door, taking away from being able to hear updates, or make vital decisions. 
• If you think you can sidestep this problem and be "helpful" by just coming up to room, then you will most likely interrupt a much needed nap during a brief calm in the storm. 
• Family relives the pain every time they have to tell someone new.  Very often the family may simply have finally found a moment of blissful numbness, and having to hug a new person and see their fresh pain will just bring it all rushing back.
• Or worse, you may walk in when we are receiving devastating news. 

Send your love in ways that require literally no emotional resources in return from the recipient.

1. When sending a present, send it to the waiting room. Hospitals are perfectly capable of delivering a care packages and food trays. Several people had food delivered to our room, such as simple Jimmy John’s sandwich trays. There can never be too much food sent (again, please don't show up without permission). Any sandwiches we had leftover, we gave to the amazing nurses who became our family for that week. 
2. Pay for their unexpected expenses:  An amazing couple in our church asked if it would be helpful if they purchased us a hotel room by the hospital; she researched around the area and found a clean and safe place for us, so some of us took shifts using it to shower and sleep.  She paid online and all I had to do was show up. Of course my mother and father in law wouldn’t leave the hospital, but some took a few hour shifts to shower and catch quick naps. One night, 2 of us spent 3 hours sleeping, and were called back to the hospital, but the 3 hours in a real bed made a big difference when you’re going on 72 hours of no sleep.  My homeschool co-op also took up a love offering, that helped us pay for all the travel expenses we had incurred, and did not have the money to cover ourselves without going into debt. 
3. Offer to babysit their children or grandchildren, so family can be at the hospital without parental duties.  My friends watched my kids for four days & nights, and I am eternally grateful. It was the best gift I could have received, being able to be fully present with my family, and not worry about my kids for even a second.
4. Clean their house, because they probably left in a hurry. Coming home to flies from dirty dishes is awful. When the call came of the accident, a member of my family didn't even lock the doors or turn off his lights, and  left his truck in the driveway with the keys. He was lucky he even shut the front door & turned off the engine as he jumped into the car with someone else and sped to the hospital.
5. Drop off clothes if asked, and again, send to room unless told visitors are welcome. Again, we all left in a hurry.  No one had clothes, or toothbrushes.  I ended up buying some clothes from the nearest Walmart for family members. There are so many ways to help.

#4  Deal with your own feelings first

This might need to be Number One, because it motivates all others. I know the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. I. Get. This.  It is imperative you deal with your own feelings before trying to help. Do no show up and put the family in a situation where they must deal with your fear and grief alongside their own.

Be aware of your motivations  Are you reaching out to help and support or because you are curious?  What will you do with the information you receive?  Will you be helpful or will you just feel "included".

Be aware of YOUR need to feel needed.  During this time, be on deck to help, but not upset if you don't actually get to bat. I said before how amazing our loved ones were, they reached out and comforted our souls. That said, we also had people who didn't respond with grace or mercy hen we said no visitors.  The situation felt out of control to everyone, and some sought control by pushing in, in the name of helping. 

When you can't say no to someone, there is a problem. Beware of some one's "need to be needed" turning into control. The red flag in a crisis is if someone responds in anger when you say no to their help. Someone violating your boundaries in the name of caring for you is still a form of control.  Sadly, I actually had someone so angry when they were asked not to come to the hospital that they cut me out of their life, accusing me of not loving them enough to let them visit to "comfort me."  

Use the need to feel needed to motivate your generosity, but make sure it does not cloud your judgment in what is appropriate. Again, find ways that you can help that require no resources from the family. 

#5 NEVER post updates ,or any information, on social media without direct consent from immediate family

"Critical but stable" means someone who is severely ill, but their condition is just not deteriorating at the present time. Critical care changes minute to minute.  In other words, the doctors cannot predict what will happen, but the patient is very ill. In critical care, any minute, it could change to life or death.

 You can not control the ripples of what you post, and I promise you, there are ALWAYS ripples. We all had our roles to play in the hospital, even appointing a social media person, the one who all the online updates were filtered through.   

If you are part of a support system, like maybe an extended family member or friend, the immediate family may share information with you as they process and seek support, but this is NOT permission to share information with others. Do not violate their trust under the guise of trying to help keep others informed.  Again you may think you are needed, because the family is too busy to share updates, but always ask before sharing ANY information.

There may be several reasons the family is withholding updates.   Many times the updates change from minute to minute.  We thought my brother was bring transferred to a Chicago hospital at one point, and my aunt actually drove all the way to Chicago, 2 hours away, before we realized he would not be transferred.

We kept many details off social media until my brothers' young children , one of whom has a social media account, were able to see him or gets updates from their mother.   We would never want them to be updated to news that way, instead of through face to face with a family member.

#6 Give Grace

It took me a few weeks before I came out of the fog to go back & read all the text messages, and then a while afterward to finally respond. The many texts we got while we were in the hospital were priceless. Over and over, people told us they loved us and were praying for us. It was a balm to our souls.  I can not truly express how much it meant. 

In the hospital, and during the past months, our support system has been amazing.  They showed up on a minutes notice when we asked.  They backed away when we needed it.

I know my friends and extended family all wanted to be there specifically for us, to hug us while we cried, but they respected us when they weren't that person at that moment. They took our lead, cried when we needed to cry, and let us laugh when we need to be numb for a little bit.

I am so thankful our support system understood when we cancelled plans.   They understood when texts went unanswered for days.  They understood when we needed time with just our Immediate Family.  It is several months later, and I am just now able to talk about some of the details of those first few weeks with people outside my immediate family.  Ask, and then be understanding, when we would rather you have food professional delivered, rather than you drop it off, and require us to interact with anyone. In short,  give grace.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5 For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. 1 Cor 1:3-5

Grief and Christmas

GRIEF AND CHRISTMAS

We think of Christmas as the best time of the year, a story of unblemished joy to the world, yet there was sorrow in His coming to earth. As the shepherds rejoiced with angels, King Herod introduces unimaginable grief into the story of Jesus' arrival.  Herod's jealousy and fear of losing his power led to an order for the deaths of innocent baby boys in Bethlehem (Matthew 2:13-23).

Joy and pain in one story. Suffering and a Savior, intertwined.

I feel the sorrow and the joy of Christmas sharply in my soul this year. The coming of our hope, our Savior, and the sorrow of sin and loss.

We unexpectedly lost my husband's brother a month before Christmas to an incomprehensible accident. He was only 36, and a father of 4 young children. He was a believer, who had fought hard for joy, true love, and healing, before his life was cut too short. Thankfully I married young and got to be his little sister-in-love for 15 years before he went to Heaven. 

The joy and pain go hand in hand. The beauty of our world is so intricately connected to the pain, so much that sometimes there is no separating them. You feel them both. They both hurt, but in different ways. The deep pain of his children growing up without him. The aching joy of his reunion with our Heavenly Father.

I keep crying, but one eye is filled with tears of grief, and the other tears of joy.  I honestly can't tell the difference anymore.

We never truly appreciate the beauty of this world without the sharp pain of the suffering. My grandma used to say, "You can't have the sweet without the sour."

I hate that I have this new appreciation for the holiday, and detest the avenue in which it was learned, but it is a gift of perspective. The greatest gift God can give us, besides our salvation, is perspective.

I now know the pain of seeing a loved one pass away before my eyes, holding his hand while knowing he isn't really there.

I also now know joy of knowing that while I held his hand on earth, he is being embraced by the hands of his Savior.

Both pain and joy, sitting next to each other in my heart.  Extreme pain, extreme joy.

The mix of sorrow and joy at once is written all over the pages of Scripture, never more so in Jesus' story, from beginning to end. This is supposed to be the best time of the year, yet where there is joy there is always pain. Today I fall on my knees, with both crushing grief and overwhelming thankfulness in equal measure. I hear the Gospel Story, and see my Savior.


-Written December 2017, one month after my brother-in-love's passing

O HOLY NIGHT (HEAR THE GOSPEL STORY)

By Sovereign Grace Music

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of our dear Savior's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining,

Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born!

Humbly He lay, Creator come as creature,

Born on the floor of a hay-scattered stall.

True Son of God, yet bearing human feature,

He entered earth to reverse Adam's fall.

In towering grace, He laid aside His glory,

And in our place, was sacrificed for sin.

Fall on your knees! O hear the gospel story!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born!

Come then to Him Who lies within the manger,

With joyful shepherds, proclaim Him as Lord.

Let not the Promised Son remain a stranger;

In reverent worship, make Christ your Adored.

Eternal life is theirs who would receive Him;

With grace and peace, their lives He will adorn.

Fall on your knees! Receive the Gift of heaven!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born

O night, O holy night when Christ was born

Gone To Heaven Folder- How To Show Love After You Die

I just want to start out saying that I HATE that I can now write this article from first-hand experience. My wish is still to be living in ignorance of the importance of a will, or even what probate court is, but I'm not.

I used to think making a will was just plain morbid, and almost a jinx. The thought of either of my husband or I passing was so painful, that I pushed the thought away and ignored the need for a will. Some weird part of my brain thought that if we wrote it, then something would happen to one of us.  In hindsight, I see it was as logical as thinking if you avoid the doctor, then you can't get cancer.  But it is how I felt. 

We know now it is a final act of stewardship and love. God has given us earthly possessions, and we need to be stewards of them, even after we pass. God has given us people in our lives, for good or bad, who will need to deal with our possessions when we have gone ahead to Heaven. 

We lost my brother-in-law to a freak accident in November 2017.  He was in perfect health, only 36 years old, with a fiance and four minor children.  He had zero reason to think he would be going to Heaven any time soon.  Thankfully, we know that is exactly where he went, to his Heavenly Father. That knowledge is the only way we survive the grief. But that knowledge did not make the logistics of his passing easier.

He was a wonderful provider in life and death, and left his children a very generous life insurance policy he left for his children.  He was passionate about life insurance, and even sold us our life insurance policy,  but even though we able to easily locate his life insurance policies among his papers (and pass those along to the mother of his children), we were never able to find a will.

I asked my family if I could share this information, and our sincere wish in sharing our experience is to help in anyone's future grieving process. Your loved ones will need time to grieve you.  The more decisions that have to be made, the less time they can focus the grief process in a healthy way.

In Your Gone To Heaven Folder

After my brother-in-law's passing, my father-in-law shared that they have a "Gone to Heaven" folder. It includes more than just his will; it takes all the decisions out of your loved ones grief process.  His church urges the men in of the congregation to do this, and I am so thankful for that push towards stewardship and love. 

They tell you there are a lot of decisions after someone passes, but I had no idea how many.  I thought once you arrange the funeral, (which itself takes several emotionally exhaustive days), you are done. But no, that is only the beginning. 

Think of your Gone to Heaven Folder as a way to show love to the ones left behind, to take care of them even when you aren't there to do it yourself.  Of course, we know my brother loved us while he was here.  This past year he affirmed that more than any other time, ironically we had never all been closer than in the 10 months before he passed, but the logistics after his passing made the grieving process difficult. 


1.Last Will and Testament & Living Will

It will take some time to put your will together, but it will be a TINY fraction off the time your loved will have to take after your departure. Do not wait.

A scribbled napkin with your wishes is not legal. In Indiana, You need a document that is signed in front of at least two witnesses (check your states laws), preferably in front of a notary.  Better to have it signed in front of a notary, because without notary, those witnesses will be called into court to testify they saw you sign it (and court is not free). It does not matter if you are happily married or engaged with a wedding date planned, NEVER assume what happens to your estate.  I am not a lawyer, just sharing the tidbits we've learned through this process. 

Orally expressing your wishes is not legal.   It does not matter that you told a loved one your wishes!  We knew my brother's wishes, but we didn't have it specifically in writing.  Each member of our family, and his fiance, had had a conversation in the past few months with our brother about who he wanted, and more specifically who he didn't want, involved with his business and even allowed in his house, but legally, it is all hear-say. Change your will whenever you have a big life changes; like a divorce, engagement, or estrangement.

As a wedding photographer, I saw for a decade how weddings bring out the BEST  and WORST in people.  I have recently learned funerals do the same.  It is understandable, grief distorts our perspectives, but let's face it, there are just people in the world, who will exploit even a death. 

No legal will equals the government getting involved. In Indiana, our state, if you die without a will,  your estate will most likely go to probate . Probate means the government WILL get a  chunk of your estate, in the name of helping settle who is executor of the estate. They will most likely name your spouse as executor, but not before they take a chunk out in lawyer fees and court costs.   The last resort is probate. 

Probate will take a chunk of the estate, no matter who is appointed executor. Probate court doesn't care about the deceased wishes, it cares about if creditors get paid. Probate won't make sure money gets put into trusts for kids, or is managed according to the deceased wishes. Probate court makes sure creditors paid, period. 

Ways to make a will include:

• Hire a lawyer.  It will take an experienced lawyer  maybe an hour or two to draw up a will for you.  The ONE to TWO BILLABLE HOURS you pay will be so much less than the COUNTLESS BILLABLE HOURS & COURT COSTS your loved ones will have to pay after your passing. 

• Write your own using Will Maker Software. Your first and best option is using a lawyer, but the second best option would be a trusted Will Making Software, like Quicken Books Will Maker and Trust.

• Use online legal service. My husband and I used Legal Zoom in the short term until we can meet with a lawyer.  This is a stop gap measure for us.  You will still need to get it notarized and signed with witnesses. 

2. Personal Information/Passwords
THE WILL IS THE MOST IMPORTANT!  Do that now.

There is no one whose job it is after a  death to  track down all the the accounts that need to be managed or paid (no one who does it for free at least). 

Death Certificates do not arrive the day of death, so do not assume loved ones will be given access to your accounts or phone immediately. Many times, it takes several weeks for death certificates to be mailed.

You of course are keeping this information in a secure location, that is known to your trusted loved ones and executor of your will. 

Examples of items needed:

• Phone Password (your thumbprint may not work)
• All your email accounts and passwords
• Any online accounts your have
• social media passwords (optional)
• bank pin 
• life insurance information 
• List of monthly bills and how you pay them (do you pay online, where do you keep your files, is your mortgage taken out automatically, etc).  This of course will change more often than other items, but will give your loved ones a good place to start.
• passwords to any safes in the house, especially gun safes
• Side note-If you have a "role" in your family, make sure others know how to do it. My husband and I sat down last week and he showed me how to pay the monthly bills. 

3. Your Burial and Funeral Preferences

THE WILL IS THE MOST IMPORTANT!  Do that now.

Once you are done, this section is where you add your favorite quotes, song, poem, picture for obituary, etc. We learned how hard this planning process was.  It takes several days; no bills get paid, no texts get returned.  You get stuck on on their obituary wording, and every other little detail that reminds you they are gone. Some of the planning was cathartic,  but so much of it just kept reminding us we were not in a dream.  

My husband and I personally haven't finished this section, but I have started it at least.  I asked for the song I sang when I decided to give my life to Jesus, "I Surrender All". Also included a few of my favorite quotes from Jane Austen and C.S. Lewis. 

My father-in-law has already written his obituary.  While it may seem morbid to you, it is a huge relief to me to know his voice will still be present after he departs for Heaven.

4. Letters to your children and loved ones (optional)

THE WILL IS THE MOST IMPORTANT!  Do that now.

I haven't finished this yet.  And that is OK.  I know my family will not have to deal with the logistics of my passing, and they will be able to focus on the many ways I show them I love them already.

This is the hardest part, and honestly the least important logistically. If this step is too emotionally hard for you, and delays you from putting together this folder, please skip it for now.  You can always come back to it, but the other logistical items will show love to those left behind by helping them not question their decisions.