Peace-Faking is not Peace-Making

 I used to say I was the opposite of a conflict avoider. If there was something wrong between us, I would always talk to you about it.  As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that isn't really a good way to describe me. It seems that the opposite of a conflict avoider would be someone who seeks out and enjoys conflict.  Some people revel in debate and confrontation.  That is 100% not me. 

I don’t enjoy the mess and hard work of clarification to fix a miscommunication. It grieves my heart to confront and then someone has to suffer the consequences of their own actions. 

But I do love genuine peace. Conflict avoiding is not real peace-making, it is peace-faking. I hate the pain and bitterness of peace-faking more the pain and mess of peace-making.  

If I confront you with something that hurt me, then take it as a compliment.  I either care about our relationship enough to fight for it, and/or I believe you are healthy enough to have a dialogue. 

If I seek to clarify a miscommunication it is because I have given you the benefit of the doubt that you didn’t mean it the way it came across. It also means I believe you will give me the benefit of the doubt when I am vulnerable about my confusion.

 I used to confront an clarify with EVERYONE, because I didn’t want to be in conflict with ANYONE.  I can thank my people-pleasing tendencies for that and  I’ve learned that isn’t a safe space to be either. I have to discern what relationships are worth fighting for and who is safe enough to be vulnerable with my hurt or confusion.

When I stop feeling the safety to confront and need to clarify, the relationship is probably about to die. Recently I was reminded that when I stop clarifying or confronting, it does the opposite of keeping the peace, it make my heart bitter and slowly the relationship dies.

Repeating Christian Choruses

 

Christians who make fun of repeating choruses on worship songs, this scene from Good Will Hunting is why you need to STOP. 

Ten times Robin William's character has to tell this broken young man it wasn't his fault that he was repeatedly abused. Ten times.

He says he knows the first few times, but it doesn't really become truth in his heart until the tenth time. Many of us need to be told over and over a truth about God, or what God says about us. 

I had to sing " I surrender all" over and over before I truly did.

I had to sing "You're a good good father and I'm loved by you" a half dozen times before I believed it. 

Please stop making fun of repeating choruses. Some of us really need them. 

If you've suffered abuse on repeat, you need healing words of Jesus on repeat. 

 

 

What About Yourself Are You Proud of?

 

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 

When you see something beautiful in someone else, you should speak it.  That applies to yourself too. What about yourself are you proud of? Encourage and build yourself up today.

We would never think that encouraging someone would lead to arrogance and unhealthy/toxic pride, so why don’t we allow ourselves to encourage our own hearts?  As believers we are so on guard towards unhealthy pride/hubris that we don't want to speak encouragement to ourselves. Healthy pride is really just encouragement to our hearts and minds.  

Remind yourself about a time when you did something hard.  Remember how you persevered when you could have given up.  Talk about the times you held on and walked one small step at a time through pain when you could have just sat down and let the hurt swallow you.  Think about the amazing different traits God specifically created you with to help others. We are called as believers to persevere and to encourage, so do it to yourself too. 

I'll go first.

I'm really proud that I fight for healing from trauma and abuse. I do it with counseling and the Armor of God, but so many have access to that armor and do not pick it up. They run from the battle when it doesn't feel fair, because it isn't fair. It isn't fair I have to keep fighting battles because of others' sin, but it is either fight or give up. I choose to keep fighting.

I'm also proud of the fact that I had 7lb and 6 lb twin boys vaginally. It was super scary and super hard, but I kept pushing (pun intended) and advocated for a safe delivery without a c-section, even when many thought there was no way I could do it.

Please comment and tell me something you are proud of!!!  I want to hear your encouragement!

Revival

 

"It is hard for you, little one,” said Aslan. “But things never happen the same way twice.”

—C. S. Lewis, Prince Caspian 

I wonder if many older people praying for revival, including me, think it will look like Billy Graham: Part Two. Maybe the revival we've been praying for doesn't look like what it has looked like before.

Maybe revival isn't packed stadiums, but coming back to our first loves in home churches and small sanctuaries.

Maybe revival is the painful sifting of deeply embedded idols. 

Maybe revival is a new desperate desire for the community God's family can offer.

 

Should I Unfollow or Unfriend?

 

One thing that 2020 taught me is how much I don't necessarily want to always know what everyone is thinking. You may have had to unfollow some people in 2020, and in drastic cases unfriend others.

The question we have all had to ask ourselves this year, when do you unfollow and when do you unfriend?

I recently discovered I was unfriended due to political reasons by a woman who used to be a very close friend. I was shocked, and ended up on my husband's shoulder crying for over 30 minutes.

After I pulled myself together, I examined my reaction. Why was it so hurtful, when we had already unfollowed each other for years due to many belief differences? In this case an unfriending felt very different than an unfollowing, it felt like a breakup.

THERE ARE STEPS BEFORE UNFRIENDING

• Unfollow button- You don't see them: Some people may not even know the Unfollow button exists, but it has saved many relationships in my life.

• Privacy filters- They don't see you: You can customize who sees what you post. Do you have a beloved uncle who comments politically on EVERY one if your posts? Set your privacy to exclude him from seeing anything but your family photos.

BEFORE I UNFRIEND or UNFOLLOW SOMEONE,

I ASK MYSELF THREE QUESTIONS:

1. WILL UNFOLLOWING ALLOW ME TO MAINTAIN AN IN-PERSON RELATIONSHIP?

Sometimes online social media habits can grow bitterness in a real life relationship that is too important to lose. I have a few people in my life who I can maintain an in-person relationship with only if I don't follow them in our social media relationship.

I unfollow, then I can choose to go their profile at my leisure to look at pictures of their kids, instead of getting frustrated by a divisive post in my newsfeed.

There are many times in life where we have different, possibly divisive, beliefs that would never come up in our in-person relationship.

For example, I deeply treasure a multi-generational church setting, but generational differences are highlighted more on social media than in person. I want to maintain a real relationship with some women who are much older than me, and not tracking their social media can sometimes keep me from bitterness or annoyance.

If you feel good anytime you are with someone in person, yet get mad at their online posts, that is an indicator that maybe a boundary needs to be set.

There are a lot of reasons why you may need to filter what you see online to maintain in-person relationship.

2. DO WE HAVE A SACRED HISTORY?

A sacred history means you have carried each other through a trial in life. You have ugly cried together, gone through a life changing experience, walked the shared road of loss and crisis, and/or held each other's babies while the other one naps/cries.

Like I said above, I was recently unfriended by a woman with whom I have a sacred history, presumably due to our differences about 2020 politics. I was somewhat blind-sided.

Our lives had separated in the past few years due some moves, we drifted from close friends to people who only saw each other a few times a year.

The thing about sacred history is that you never go back to being acquaintances. An acquaintance is some who doesn't know you snort late at night when you laugh too hard, or has not had to get you toilet paper because you cried so much you used all the Kleenex.

Even during our closest days, this woman and I had different beliefs when it came to medical decisions. She never forced her beliefs on me, and vice versa. Like I said above, we always had social media boundaries to maintain our in-person relationship. When life moves made our in-person relationship less frequent, I checked in on her timeline every month or so just to see how she was doing. 

The year 2020 had starkly highlighted our political and medical belief differences, but I didn't think it had erased our sacred history. I had loved this woman, truly.

While unfollowing was a boundary, unfriending felt like a breakup. It felt so final, and so one sided. I'm 37 years old and have been married since I was 19 years old, I didn't think I'd have to deal with breakups anymore.

But it is ultimately her choice who she chooses to be friends with, and I can only control my choices.

3. ARE WE MEMBERS OF AN IMPORTANT SHARED ORGANIZATION WHERE UNITY IS REQUIRED?

Are you members of the same home church?

Same homeschool co-op?

Are you extended family?

I deeply believe in the local church. I like to say that all of Christendom is my extended family, but our local church body is our immediate family. I do not have a sacred history or in-person relationship with everyone in my local church, but I do view the ones who are my friends on Facebook as extended family members.

If there is someone in my church, or in my extended family, who I don't have a close friendship with, but who is politically active on social media (on either side of the aisle because I'm an independent and both sides exhaust me) I tend to unfollow them so that a root of bitterness does not hinder our in-person relationship.

IS THERE A TIME TO UNFRIEND?

The short answer is yes of course.  I purge my friend list often of acquaintances, but only you can answer when this is a step you need to take with a real friend. 

I have unfortunately had to unfriend people with which I shared a sacred history, BUT that was only after I followed Matthew 18 guidelines of how to deal with conflict. Unfriending doesn't come until AFTER you've had the hard in-person conversation, counseling, and if resolution still isn't happening, then sometimes your boundary has to include some unfriending.

Boundaries are not an excuse for unforgiveness. Matthew 18 is about confronting a brother AND forgiveness.

If you'd like more on how to forgive while maintaining boundaries, I highly recommend "Boundaries" by John Townsend and Henry Henry Cloud.

I do not claim to be a social media expert. These are MY filters for MY boundaries, I only share in hope that maybe someone out there is trying to figure out their social media boundaries during this divisive time.

I know everyone is different, and I'd like to hear your experience about boundaries on social media.

Empty Wells

 

Are you a fill-the-bottom-half of your gas tank or or fill-the-top-half kind of person? As a teenager and broke young parent, I was a fill-the-bottom-half.  I knew exactly how many miles I could drive after that little green light came on!

In the recent years I have become a fill-the-top-half person because of safety, and fact that I had a van that gas tank indicator was broken! I never knew exactly how much was in my tank, and you never know when a winter storm will hit and you need to be prepared. It also only takes 1 or 2 times running out of gas to realize how much easier it is to fill the top half. 

I told a friend recently I feel like my emotional "tank" is on empty and I'm struggling to barely fill the bottom half. We all know 2020 is a "running on fumes" year.  

I am not going to explain why I'm empty (it can be said with just a simple "2020"), but God is reminding me again how to "fill my tank" when a storm is happening.

My last "running on fumes" season was when I had infant twins, and very low financial resources,  We were young broke parents, I had no friends who were also moms due to having babies at 23 and attending a church with no other moms.

I can feel the emotional echoes of that time, feeling isolated and drained, without built-in ways to meet my needs.  During that time I had to fight hard to find connection, and I slowly healed and got to the point where I was filling the "top half" of my emotional tank.

Switching from modern gas-tank metaphor to a more biblical water-bucket metaphor, God has often warned me of empty wells. I know they don't work through experience, but I keep finding my wandering back to quench my thirst in wells that do not satisfy. 

Why do I return to something that has proven unreliable in the long run? I return because these wells promise to satiate my thirst, and they require very little from me. 

They promise distractions from the pain, or momentary pleasure, and they give both. They promise a numbing feeling that sometimes we all desperately crave in a broken world.

Empty wells also promise self sufficiency, with very little vulnerability. I get to pull up the bucket, and in that I feel in control. Almost all my empty wells are in my control, and are one-way: no true intimacy is required.

But they do not satiate my need for peace. I thirst for unconditional love, for genuine relationships, and for someone to see my heart without fear of them hurting me. Empty wells of this world do not meet these needs.

Again, why do I keep returning when I know that my thirst will not be met? I return to these empty well when I do not trust in the sufficiency of His grace to slake my thirst. I do not trust in His unconditional love, His genuine want for relationship with me, and His ability to see my heart without hurting me.

Our enemy doesn't have to destroy us completely if he can slowly distract us. Distractions from the true well of Life are just promising enough that we mistake them for life giving, people and things that take more than they can ever give. 

What is an empty well that God is calling you to walk away from in 2020?  Procrastination, social media, dysfunctional relationships, and world powers all might make the list.

And what wells is He calling you to? Intentional relationships? Productive living, not just busyness that numbs? Spiritual discipline to renew your mind?

"Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” John 7:38

Spiritually Fed During Coronavirus

 

The modern Christian rhythm of getting "filled" on Sunday Morning has been disrupted by this Pandemic. Our spiritual routines are changed by online sermons, watching your kids during the sermon because of no children's church, or dealing with divisiveness in your church about a piece of cotton over your face. 

What do we do when we have to learn to be in charge of our personal growth?  Coronavirus has highlighted the need for personal spiritual disciplines more than any other time in my life.

 Personally, all my usual outlets of spiritual development have either been put on hold, moved online, or changed drastically due to restrictions.   Our less than 100 people church has had to move to two services, so I see only half my church family any given Sunday. Our weekly small group can't gather to eat together safely. My homeschool co-op prayer group has been cancelled because not enough people could agree on meeting with or without a mask.  My Bible study (www.bsfinternational.org) has moved online, which still keeps me in The Word, but definitely feels a bit different. 

But maybe this interruption is one of the many things God is trying to work out for good?  We were never ever meant to be "fed" on only Sunday (and don't get me started on my biggest pet peeve of someone leaving a church because they were not "being fed"). 

Babies are fed. Adults feed themselves.

God didn't make our bodies to only eat physical food one day a week, then pray those calories last for 6 more days.  Our bodies are designed to eat everyday, and as we grow up, to enjoy the responsibility of feeding ourselves.  

Daily Bread.  Intentional relationship. Constant Prayer.

These are the rhythms God has given us to feed our souls.

How are you feeding yourself during this time of Coronavirus?

(This is NOT A POST ABOUT WHETHER COVID RESTRICTITONS SHOULD BE THERE OR NOT. I will deleted comments debating restrictions.)

You are not the perfect mother for your kids

I am about to make a lot of people mad.

I can't stand the "God made you the perfect Mommy for your kids, so stop guilting yourself" mentality.

Let me start off saying that I get this is a reaction to the world of MOMMY GUILT (which I also hate). If you are drowning in Mommy guilt, please don't let that paralyze you, but there is a difference between condemnation and conviction.

Condemnation is shame and should be rejected. Condemnation is "mommy wars" of who is better at breast feeding, or how to sleep train. It leads to paralyzing shame and unnecessary hurt. Condemnation is the voice of the world saying you are NEVER going to be good enough. Condemnation is comparison that drains your soul. It is nit-picky and seeks to make you feel wrong; your clothes are not right, your kids are too loud/too quiet, your school choice is wrong.

Conviction on the other hand is a gift, inviting you to do better. Conviction isn't necessarily pleasant, yet somehow fills and feeds your soul. What a beauty to be given the opportunity to repent and do better for your kids. Conviction is inspiring.

Conviction needs to be embraced, not thrown out with shame of condemnation.
Do you feel convicted about your yelling, or your day drinking? Do you feel convicted about your language around your children. Do you need to seek counseling for mental health that is hindering your parenting? Do you feel convicted about your attitude with the father of your children? Embrace it! Do better for your kids. There is help! 

I was raised by a mother with a personality disorder (BPD). She did not embrace conviction.

When a child of an abusive mother hears, "God gives every child the perfect mommy for their needs", it hurts. We ask ourselves, does that mean I deserved what I got in my mom? Did I need the screaming and belittling? Did I need the unpredictable rage alternating with manic moods that could be fun & productive or very scary, depending on the day. Did I need to be in an environment of trying to always be the good girl so that I could make her feel loved? Did I need to never get unconditional love from the person designed to give it to me?

She felt conviction, I assure you, but pushed it away as "people judging her". She would project the conviction onto me, saying I never loved her enough as a mother, meaning she expected unconditional acceptance just because she was my mother.

If you want to get into the theology of it, I do believe that God worked it all for His Glory to become the woman I am today. I was in a house that would make me have to FIGHT for healing. I was given the opportunity to see a marriage of constant strife so that I could deeply appreciate, to my bones, the servant leadership of a GOOD AND GODLY husband.

BUT that doesn't mean she was the "perfect mother for me" and didn't need to grow. Who knows what would have happened if she had embraced conviction, and tried to change. What glory that would have brought to God, and healing in my heart if she has tried to discern condemnation from conviction. Maybe I wouldn't have been almost 30, with two kids, before I truly TRUSTED unconditional love (my poor husband had a lot of years with a deeply insecure woman). Some of the scars she inflicted on my heart may be there until I go home to Heaven. I fight every day to be the mother I want to be.

The next time you see "stop feeling guilty because God made you the perfect mom for your kids", stop and think, is the guilt condemnation or conviction?

You have the POTENTIAL to be exactly who your kids need to be, but no one has arrived.

Are you drowning condemnation of mommy guilt world? REJECT IT.

Is it the conviction that leads to a new and better life? EMBRACE IT. Seek healing, seek a counselor, seek repentance.

You are not the perfect mom for your kid, but you do have the perfect God.

Recovering Fixer, The story of My Site's Name

Hello, my name is Robyn and I am a Recovering Fixer.  I am also a recovering people-pleaser and Enabler. I say "recovering" because I know that I could easily slip back into those patterns when I don't keep up my guard.

While this site is mostly about homeschooling, the title  TO THE ROCK"  was chosen from my favorite Psalm, Psalm 61, "Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." I need the reminder that I am not THE rock.  I can't save anyone. 

Homeschooling can't save my kids. I can't save my broken-hearted friends, or my unsaved loved ones.  I can not be enough to fix the deepest wounds in their lives. I can't fix it and that hurts.

People can be rocks, but not THE rock.

People can be a rock in your life. I wholeheartedly believe God's healing in my life has come through the arms and words of HIS PEOPLE.  They love me, they accept me, they sanctify me.  Please do not read this as an endorsement for Isolation from God's People.

But People can not be THE rock, the HIGHEST rock. Too many times in my life I have asked too much of people, or have allowed others to ask too much of me.  

I expected people to heal my heart in ways that were unfair and unrealistic. I have placed family members and friends on pedestals, just to have them knocked off as they inevitably behave as a human with faults and flaws. 

I have subconsciously tried to be THE Rock to others in my life. Growing up with a mentally ill mother and toxic family dynamics created unhealthy coping mechanisms in me.  I was "the Fixer" in my family.  I was told I could "fix it" by people who desperately needed healing and I believed them for far too long. 

Seeking healing though boundaries has taught me what I can do in others lives, and ultimately what I can't do. 

I can not save anyone or place their feet upon The Rock. I can not take responsibility for the reactions of others.  I can not make anyone change their behavior. I can not (and should not) protect people from consequences of their unhealthy patterns.  I can not be THE ROCK of salvation.

What I can do is be there to weep with them as they weep.  I can rejoice with them as they rejoice. I can loudly proclaim the God in whom I found healing.  I can share with them healing resources and confront with love when needed.

I recently read a quote from Moore than exemplifies this idea perfectly

"People can help, but they can't heal us.

People can lift us, but that can't carry us.

On occasion people can pull us out of a pit, but the can not keep us out.

Nor can they set our feet upon a rock."

Hear my cry, O Lord, listen to my prayer; 

from the end of the earth

 I call to you  when my heart is faint.

Lead me to the rock  that is higher than I,  

for you have been my refuge,  

a strong tower against the enemy.

Psalms 61: 1-3

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How I found freedom in someone else's grumbling

This is the story of how I found freedom in someone else's grumbling... about Beth Moore.

Who doesn't like Beth Moore? She is witty, funny, kind, and excited about God's Word. One of my most freeing moments as a writer/teacher was in a Beth Moore study. Let me be specific,  because I've had a lot of freeing  moments during Beth Moore Bible studies.

I remember the moment in a Beth Moore Bible study when I finally understood what true forgiveness was, and finally accepted God's forgiveness of me.

 I vividly remember the moment when I first heard Beth, another Christian woman, admit to being sexually abused as a child, and then making sinful choices because of that abuse. I had never had another Christian women openly share this, and as it was my testimony, it touched me in the deepest part of my heart.  I wasn't alone.

 I remember the moments when Beth made me laugh so hard I cried, then turned around crying over how the Holy Spirit led to a new beauty of scripture. I fell in love with Scripture in her studies in a way I didn't know was possible.

The freeing moment I was referencing earlier wasn't on of these memories, and didn't actually come Beth, but through the several women who were grumbling during her study.

I AM LOUD 
Fast Forward: My home church had finally decided to do a Beth Moore video study. I was so excited because it had been several years since I had been able to participate in a Beth Study. The first video played, and it was like coming home. She made me laugh, she made me cry, she made me fall in love with the Word of God.

After the video we gathered back at our table,  as I was literally wiping a tear of joy off my cheek, the first  woman began to complain.  I was shocked as the next full 10 minutes was just half of the women complaining about how much they didn't like Beth's speaking style.  The first thing out of a woman's mouth as we sat down, remarking "I am really struggling to learn anything from her because of her voice."  At least 3 other women jumped in relieved and described how they were struggling with learning anything from Beth because she was so "loud".

 Not one person spoke about the content of what she said for a full 10 minutes, but I do remember they asked,  "Why did she have to yell all the time?" And "Why couldn't she just sit still and not have to roam around the stage?" They claimed she was too distracting. They rationalized how it was hard for them to be "spiritually fed" from someone who they didn't enjoy watching.

 I was speechless, and if you know me, you'll know that's a pretty big deal. Beth Moore, a woman who was a long-distance spiritual Mentor in my life, was being torn down in front of me.  Ladies, it truly broke my heart. I sat in stunned silence as my heart was screaming, feeling protective as if someone was trashing your best friend in front of you (and yes I think Beth and I would be friends in real life).

 I couldn't imagine somebody not seeing the truths that the Holy Spirit had revealed through that video. The Bible and his truths had be lovingly taught and the words treasured.  Her loudness and movement was excitement for God's Word! My gratitude for The Word and the heartbreak at these women was overwhelming in equal measure.

To understand my reaction, you need to not only know that I love Beth Moore studies, but also that I am a loud person, and a talker.  As I sat there listening to these women complain about Beth's volume, my years of insecurity started to creep up and threaten to strangle me.  Every complaint they had about Beth could have been said of me.

 I had felt a call long ago to become a teacher of women,  but how could anybody like me if they didn't even like Beth Moore? How could anybody listen to what I have to say if I'm also this loud annoying personality that people don't like?

I was so shocked that it took me several minutes to regain my composure to finally ask the group, "Did you have any problem with anything she actually said?" Not one of them was able to come up with a single complaint about her content.

God's still small voice reminded my loudly beating heart of the many times I had gotten closer to Him in a  Beth Moore study.  Their dislike did not cancel out the moments I  had spent in God's presence. Their grumbling did not invalidate the tears of joy I had been crying only a few minutes before during her teaching. Her loudness was a evidence of her joy in The Word of God, not a character flaw.

 In that moment God gave me a new freedom, a freedom to be me. I went home that day truly understanding for the first time that you truly cannot please everyone.

I had heard the cliche  phrase many times before, but there was always a tiny part of me that assumed if you weren't pleasing everyone, then it was your fault.  I secretly felt that if you were more thoughtful or more flexible (i.e chameleon to what people  needed), then you please everyone, just maybe not all at once. What nonsense I had harbored in my heart.

There will ALWAYS be someone who doesn't like you, always. Not being able to please everyone has nothing to do with you. That morning my heart finally learned that everyone liking me does not equate to making an impact on God's Kingdom. It was true freedom.

I am not for everyone. Beth is also not for everyone, but she is for me. God designed this women who was excited to excite us loud girls.  He healed her in the same ways I needed healing, then gave her the ability and platform to share that healing.

Before that morning I had long felt a stubborn calling to work in women's ministry, but I just never felt secure enough to pursue that call. My deep rooted insecurity of people not liking me kept me from sharing truths I knew God had laid on my heart; truths a woman who had my similar testimony also needed to hear.

I went home after this particular Bible Study and finally published my first blog post about my faith journey. My writing has improved immensely since those first posts, and I am somewhat embarrassed over them, but they were a milestone for me. All my posts have a typing or grammar mistake because I think faster than I type, and I write too  many run-on sentences, but I needed to start writing, and sharing, how God had healed me.

Within a few weeks, I asked my pastor if I could start a women's fellowship team at my church.   Since then I have also been the speaker at our church women's retreat and recently I've spoken at a few local women's groups about how God has worked in my life.  I'm also currently writing a book about how Satan attacks Godly Female Relationships. I'm sharing my story.

So I guess I need to thank those women who grumbling about how loud Beth Moore was, because you gave me a gift. I hope to one day be like Beth Moore,  to share the healing God has done in my life. And you bet when I share that, I'm definitely going to be loud.

Finding Safety Inside the Battle

According to my annual tradition, I chose a word of the year in January of 2017.   I felt God whisper the word "Safe" to my heart. I knew it was from Him, but  I had no idea how that would play out.

The catalyst for this word choice was my frustration at watching my pattern of enabling and trying to save unsafe people rear its ugly head again.  I asked God for a word to help me heal from the pain of again letting an unsafe someone use my compassion to manipulate me and people I loved.

So Begins The Worst Year of My Life
God told me the word SAFE in early January 2017, and by the last week of that month, my husband and I began a year filled with more loss and fear than I thought possible. I had never felt more unsafe.

In the first week of February I had a severe health crisis that debilitated me for nearly three months, with effects I still deal with today .  My loss of health led to a loss of my ability to engage in my life, my ability to parent, and my ability to homeschool for a season.

The health issues led to severe & odd food allergies. This meant a loss all my comfort foods and countless opportunities to share a meal with loved ones.

As I began to recover from the health crisis, that summer in just a 2 month period, we lost several of our most intimate friends/support system to relocation of their jobs. One of those relocated families was our Founding Pastor's family, which led my home church into unprecedented transition and loss.

 We didn't think it could get worse, but we were wrong.  As we began to get our feet back under us, in the fall came the worst loss of all, the unexpected passing of my husband's 36 year old beloved older brother, father of 4 young children. My big brother of 16 years, who I deeply loved. The big brother that my husband looked up to and had loved with his whole heart all his life. The eldest son of my beloved mother and father and law.

In the year I wanted to be safe, I felt more fear and pain than I had ever known in my life.


God kept me safe, not comfortable, in the battle 
When I chose the word "safe: as my word of the year, I had envisioned the safety I associate with comfort; holding my babies to my chest while keeping them warm and loved. That was not what I was given. God used 2017 to teach me a new meaning to "safe". Through all the pain and loss, I now see it had been a year of safety, but not the feeling of safety I had expected.

The safety God provides is the safety found in a battlefield; the protection of a shield that shelters you as blow after blow beats you down to your knees.

The shield keeps the blades and arrows from piercing your heart, but you are exhausted as your think the metal will inevitably bends around you, molding to the shape of your batter body.

Everyone is in the battle, but only we have The Shield.

Hear my cry, O God,  listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you  when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock  that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge,  a strong tower against the enemy. Psalm 61: 1-3

As my heart grew faint, as the battle waged on, I held up my shield to protect me and I ran toward my strong tower, my shelter.

The safety that year I felt was the same David experienced in the caves as Saul sought to destroy him.  The protection of a hard rocky surface at your back, and an enemy at your front.  No comfortable feather bed and freshly laundered sheets.  A safe shelter can also be a hard place that feels scary and foreboding, but in actuality is keeping you sheltered from the enemy that is seeking to destroy you.

The enemy was sometimes physical pain, many times the enemy whispering lies to me, and almost always my own weaknesses as a fallen human.  God's word and promises, the ones I had hidden deep in my heart for preparation for such a times as this, were my constant shield against these enemies.

God does not promise us comfort, He promises to be our safe shelter in the storm. Shelters are not always comfortable, but they are strong.

Safe does not feel like we expect it to feel.
If you are in a battle right now, know that as a child of God, you are safe.  You  may have a hard rock at your back, and a heavy shield in front of you, but both are protecting you.  Your arm is tired of holding the shield of God's Promises, as the arrows just seem to never end.  The rock feels hard and all you want to do it lay down to sleep on something soft and comfortable.

I had so many moments of despair, wanting to put down my shield and just go to sleep, but remember that no enemy can break the metal of that shield.

No enemy can break apart The Rock that is protecting your back.  You are safe.

Solitude versus Isolation

Jesus models the importance of solitude, but it is a very fine line to walk between solitude  and isolation.  As a busy mom, I usually have to make time for solitude; time in nature, for prayer, and in God's Word.  But in times of pain and hurt, I can naturally slip into isolation.

Isolation is not the same thing as Solitude.

Solitude allows you time away to refresh and renew your spirit.

Isolation cuts you off from help.

Your enemy wants you isolated; he is cowardly lion who picks off the stragglers who have separated themselves from the herd.

Solitude is an important life discipline that everyone should practice because Jesus showed us the importance of it, but just like every wonderful thing that God created,  Satan has tried to twist it into something that hurts us.

Some times we isolate ourselves thinking that it's just part of our personality, but that is another tactic of the enemy.

The tendency to isolate ourselves is not a personality issue, it is a human issue.

People who like to be alone can still get lonely. People need people. Don't isolate yourself under the guise of introversion.

Our different personalities may change the motivation behind the isolation, but all humans have the tendency to isolate in times of suffering. Some personalities isolate to avoid conflict, while some do it to avoid  being viewed as needy.

Pride can be my downfall when trying to walk this line between refreshing solitude and dangerous isolation. I hate admitting that I am in need, and I hate asking others for help, for fear that I will be "too much" for them.

Those who are too scared to admit they are lost or wounded are the most vulnerable. Our enemy has zero scruples, and he is not above picking off the injured, the ones were are struggling to keep up.  Satan will not only kick you while you are down, he will put on his steel-toed boots to do it.

A few years ago I experienced a season where I had nothing to give and relied solely on the people in my life to keep me afloat. I was attacked from all different directions and weary of admitting how weak and wounded I was, it was embarrassing to admit that I was emotionally drowning. But if I had not sought out healing through community, I would not have survived that season.

The last thing your Heavenly Father wants for you is to be isolated from help. He has help for you.

His help comes in the form of his Holy Spirit, and in the form of His Church. I have lost count how many times God wrapped His arms around me using the physical arms of His people.

I promise that someone in your life has walked the same path you are on, and survived. I can promise it  because God promises this in 1 Corinthians 1:4.

"Praise God, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Cor 1:4

 Secret sins and shame, others have been there.

 Broken bodies and broken hearts, others have been there.

Those who have walked this road, can walk it with you.  They can show the comfort that God showed them.

COMPLAINING OVER CONNECTION
We live in an age of false intimacy where we think that sharing our problems online constitutes having a community, but a community has to go both ways. If you want people to truly invest in you, then you must invest time in them. You must have have face to face extensions of your online relationships. Sharing your hurts to the void online does not require the real bravery of vulnerability. Vulnerability requires showing up and allowing someone to see you and try to help you, real connection over complaining.

God's help comes in the form of Jesus' church, but you must seek out the intimacy and vulnerability of these relationships. On top of regular Church attendance , join a small group, a prayer group, or a Bible Study. Come into intentional contact with God's People on a regular basis and you will see God use them in your life.

PRAY BEFORE FRIENDSHIPS
Don't tell your story to just anyone, but discern and pray about a friend that God has for you.  They have walked their road with the purpose of encouraging you in yours. Because of prayer I have friends whose personal testimonies are so eerily similar to mine that there is no way God did not have a hand in it.

Prayer will lead you to the people who value connection over just complaining.  It's important to find people who will weep with you, and also help you take those steps towards healing. I've seen wounded people turn away from the church because they were encouraged to do the hard work of healing in God instead of quick fixes.

Remember that no one is perfect other than our Savior.  People can not not fix your life or your problems. While people cannot fix your problems,  God can use people to heal your heart  if you let him.

“Friendship ... is born at the moment when one man says to another "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Stay with the flock, and you stay with the Shepherd.

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Trading Fancy for Freedom: Staying in our Starter Home

We bought this house in January 2007. It is what the real estate market would call a "starter house", a 900 sq.ft 1924 bungalow. We purchased this home when I thought I was pregnant was ONE baby, not twins, and we planned to flip the home in one year. The housing market crash of 2008 and following National Recession had different plans. 

I am a walking contradiction. If you’ve known me long enough, you’ve heard me complain about my “tiny” house, but you’ve probably heard me say how I also love my house. This house is my constant battle to learn contentment. Every time I think I have it, it slips away, and I get to learn it all over again.

 I have no right to complain, but I do. All. The. Time. I complain about the tiny eat in kitchen and no dining area. I complain about the small bedrooms and old floor plan. I complain about the lack of dining room & the sometimes sketchy neighbors.

I have had a love/hate relationship with this house, but it is my manna. My every morning reminder than God provides.

Yesterday in homeschool we studied the manna God provided the Hebrews in the desert. I tried to describe to the boys how the food of Egypt was no more nourishing than the sweet honey-flavored Manna God provided, it was just fancier, with spices and variety. As I read the Egyptians' groans over missing the food of Egypt, it was easy to judge them. How could they not be content with the sweet simple manna, when the fancy food of Egypt came with the high price of their freedom?

Then it hit me right between the eyes, how many times have I given up my freedom for “fancy”? My want for fancier clothes, house, or cars could easily lead us into slavery of debt. A want for a fancier, more exciting life could also easily lead me into slavery to sin, seeking pleasure and identity in anything other than the simple & nourishing life with which God has blessed me.

When many people lost their homes during the Great Recession, we were able to keep this small house because we could afford the small mortgage payments.  Smaller house payments meant I could stay home when I felt the calling to homeschool, and we could live on a one-income (a small social worker income). We also found our beloved church family only a few minutes from this house.

I’m pretty sure if the Hebrews read my post comparing manna in the hot desert  to my little modern 1st world house, a house filled with a variety of food and all the creature comforts of the modern world, they would probably throw up a little in disgust.  I am spoiled beyond belief, almost disgustingly so. Lord, never let me forget the sweet and simple miracle that is my home, my marriage, and my family.

Lord, never let me give up my freedom for the fancy.

Set a Fire- Power of Words

I do not consider myself an expert of words, I consider myself a student of words.  I love words, and I am always seeking the best way to use them, or not use them.

If you don't know me personally, know that  I am what they call "a talker".  I have had the "gift of gab" all my life, but not always considered it a gift.  God has used me words  teach others, but I have also tasted foot in my mouth more times than I'd like to count. Many times in my life I have been shamed by others, and shamed myself, for the amount of words I use. Being a better steward of my words is a life-long pursuit.  Even in this, I still love Words.  Words are my life.  They are beautiful and they are brutal.  They are my strength, and they are my weakness. 

THE POWER OF FIRE

“So too, though the tongue is a small part of the body, it boasts great things. Consider how large a forest a small fire ignites." James 3:5

On August 24, 2000 a  woman stopped by the road to light her cigarette,  she threw the match she used to light it down, and left.  Several day later,  the fire she caused came to be known as  "The Jasper Fire", and had destroyed 83,000 acres of the Black Hills of South Dakota.  Over $40 million of timber was destroyed.

I grieve the lost of this timber deeply and personally. I know first hand the time and work that goes into that much timber. My father in law plants Walnut  trees for future timber.  He planted them when my 8 year olds were just babies, knowing that when my children are adults, they could possibly harvest those same walnuts for $10,000 plus a tree.  That is a LONG term investment if I ever saw one, the opposite of a quick buck.  It requires years of patience, and care.  The trees are not left alone after planting, but checked  for to prevent scaring as the years go by. Yet all that time and investment can burn up with a careless action of a match being thrown.

Sometimes we walk away from a conversation, not realizing that our words were a match; not realizing we just burned a bridge, or set a fire of gossip and disunity. We could even be setting ablaze to years of healing, and helping confirm a lie that Satan wants the person to believe. This is a sobering thought, and it should be.  Words have power.  Many times, like the woman who drove away from the lit match, the destruction affect others much more than it affects you.

Yes , words have power, but it is not necessarily only the power to destroy. We can not let the fear control us, and keep us from speaking.

THE GOOD FIRE
I think of the difference in what kind of power your words will have is like the difference between a wild bonfire that kills years of growth versus the light in a million lamps, or the fire that heats our houses and feed our families. 

 “So too, though the tongue is a small part of the body, it boasts great things.  James 3:3a

Fire can make great destruction, but can also make great growth. Fire feeds us, it cooks our food, it guides us the utter darkness, it is POWERFUL in a best sense of the word. 

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." Proverbs 18:2

One simple way God has been showing me that I can set some “good fires” is to just be a noticer. Genuine kind words can start fires that spread farther into someone’s soul than we could even fathom. 
We have all heard the saying “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all." I am flipping that into, “If you have something nice to say, say it.”Notice the good in others, then say it.  There are many times in life where the thought does not count,  you actually have to actually speak. 

I am not encouraging flattery.  Flattery is false and boosts yourself other then the recipient, but encouragement comes when we genuinely notice the good in others, without seeking benefit to ourselves. 

Mark Twain once said ‘I could live for two months on a good compliment.”   Noticing  the good in others doesn't have to be complicated , or even worthy of  a Hallmark-Card, just a simple notice of of another with your words. When you think how much you like your friend, text her that exact thing. A simple "I am glad you are my friend" is a great surprise in their day.  I am stressing seizing the opportunities, small or big, to speak kindness into someone’s life. 

 I once had an acquaintance once tell me in passing how stylish she thought I always looked. She had no idea the life-long struggle I have with insecurity and not seeing myself as beautiful, or worthy of affection. That complement warmed my soul. That warmth affected how I interacted with my husband; I was more affectionate and able to pour encouragement into him because I wasn’t seeking for him “to make me feel beautiful”. My ability to encourage him turn effected how he interacted with his co-workers, which then effected how they interact with foster parents, then effect those foster parents interactions with foster children.

See, I just traced  how someone telling me I looked cute helped foster kids! 

While that may seem a little far fetched, I want to echo my pastor's teaching on Jesus's miracle of feeding the five thousand, “Little is much in Jesus’ hands”.  Our little encouragements can be used for so much in God’s hands. You never know what lie Satan is wanting a friend to believe (they are too ugly for their husband, their friends are better off if they aren’t there, etc).  Pray God lets you be a noticer this week. Pray that your little words are much in Jesus' hands. 

 If you have something nice to say, say it.

THE RIGHT FUEL

Fire's power is all about who controls it. 

“The lips of the godly feed and guide many.” Proverbs 10:21a

I think as a mother, a sister, a friend, and teacher, my goal in life is to help feed and guide those in my life. As I read scripture about the power of words,  I was struck by the words that are NOT used in this verse. God also convicted me there are several words I  try to substitute this verse instead of the word Godly.  The substitutions try justify me working in my own power and strength :

“The lips of the ______ feed and guide many.”

Not mentioned in the verse:
CLEVER

CONFIDENT
SENSITIVE 

ARTISTIC/CREATIVE

ATHLETIC

WELL SPOKEN

RESERVED

ORGANIZED

INTELLECTUAL

POLITICALLY INFORMED

SARCASTIC

NON-PROFIT WORKERS

CRAFTY, AS IN PINTEREST, NOT SNEAKY

I am not saying these words are bad, because many are all wonderful descriptors that are part of who God made us, but none of them will be a everlasting fuel to the Godly Fire we want to set. When you approach encouragement and friendships with SOLELY these fuels, you will burn out, or worse, unintentionally set a fire of destruction.  Trust me that I am speaking from experience on this one.  

What this verse tells me is not to focus on my words, but to focus on the source of my words. Godliness is in essence devotion.  I do not have to be perfect to have the perfect words.  I do need to be devoted to God, devoted to seeking HIS words first. 

This is a HUGE truth for me to try to grasp, what is my motivation in my words? Am I seeking Godliness before I seek "the perfect words"?  Or I seeking validation, value, praise, or my own glory? My prayer is that I focus my heart and thoughts on Godliness, He will bring forth words that feed and guide many.

So again, My challenge this week is seek to set a fire that feeds a friends heart. Pray, seek God.  Then if you have something nice to say, say it.